Life — November 4, 1920 — page 50: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LIFE ce most hy nous perf ‘ume in eva orld - xquisitely hy Srenich in ils ehicacy Gascinating in its subtle allurement d/tmour PLOWERS OF Love Gxtratt, Gau de TJotlette, avon, Poudre, Sachet, Sale, Brilhantine. A generous sample will be sent youon receipt of 10¢ Bay ROGER & GALLET 25 WEST 32™2 STREET NEW YORK Creators of Rare Pafames The Non-Professional Humorist E refers to grand opera as “grand uproar,” and the word “ several” is transformed by his nimble wit into “ se- verial.” When he desires to be emphatic he says “absotively” or “ posilutely,” and he believes that the most effective way to put a guest at case is to invite him to “sit down and make yourself uncom- fortable.” When asked what day of the week it is, he says, “This is Tuesday—all da; when asked the time, he waggishly re- plies, “Same time it was yesterday at this time.” He never passes up an op- portunity to refer to every Ford he sees as “a rattling good car,” and whenever summoned for any purpose whatsoever, he inquires, “What can I do you for?” He starts each telephone conversation with, “Guess who this is?” and concludes with “ Bye-bye.” When he sees someone fall heavily in the street, he shouts pleasantly, “ Hey, brother—you dropped something!” and then wonders why the object of his witti- cism fails to laugh so convulsively as he does himself, Every time he encounters a friend in evening dress, he says, “ That is a swell dress-suit you've got there. Why don’t you buy it?” When showing down a spade flush in a poker game, he announces that “ They're all pink,” and when he holds a particularly good hand, he invariably asks, “ Who dealt this mess?” Although he is most lo- quacious when shooting craps, he is not particularly convincing in simulation of Negro dialect, nor is he entirely sure of the correct nicknames for the various points; he refers to five as “ Li'l Joe,” and eleven as “ Big Dick.” He is perhaps at his best in the baseball park, for there the size of his audience is limited only by the power of his vocal cords. He always calls a mustache a “ mis- placed eyebrow,” and a beard is referred to as “alfalfa.” Whenever he gives a blind man a nickel he roguishly remarks, “Don't spend it all in one place,” and each time that he arrives in a new lo- cality, he draws a good laugh (from him- self) by exclaiming, “So this is Paris.” He has a wide assortment of snappy farewell speeches, among which might be listed, “Don’t take any wooden money; but if you do, let me know, and I'll split it with you,” or “Don't do anything I wouldn't do,” or “ Well, be good—and if you can't be good, be careful.” When all other bon mots have failed, he can always introduce, on any occasion whatsoever, “ Ain't nature grand?” “We don’t get much money, but we do see life!” or “That's me all over, Mabel.” Scarcely a day passes that he does not have an opportunity to thank a benign Providence for his saving sense of humor. RE See ZZ ” Quality Always’ Wins In every walk of life, doing something better tha the other fellow spells Saccess. Boston Garters} success is just a matter of being abead in quality al workmanship, giving wearers the greatest anout of satisfaction, GEORGE FROST, COMPANY, BOSTON Velvet Grip 1 Hose. Supporters for Women, Misses and Children Ef = = re: SRR Irate Householder: wat do you Ml BY BREAKING INTO MY MOUSE AT THIS Mi OF NIGHT? WHO DO YOU THINK YoU ‘A PROHIBITION AGENT? FOR INDIGESTIO, comicbooks. Seta