Life — October 28, 1920 — page 32: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

BINKLEY WITH THE GIRL HE'S GOING TO MARRY.” “By yove! I CAN SEE A LONG SHOE-BUTTONING CAREER AHEAD OF HIM.’ It's All in the System ERCEDES was seated at the tele- phone, her mouth puckered into a pout. It was my duty—so Mercedes in- forms me—inasmuch as everybody has been thanked for the wedding presents, to keep her happy. Consequently, I hastened to inquire into the meaning of the pout. “What have I done now?” I asked meekly. “Idiot!” she answered affably, “you haven’t done anything. I've been trying to telephone to this fool clerk for half an hour and he won't understand, and I keep repeating and repeating, and I imagine T'll eventually go cra—" “Stop!” I exclaimed, after the best manner of a traffic policeman, “Heaven forfend! What is it you want?” “A top,” said Mercedes. “A glass top for the percolator. That's simple enough, isn't it?” “Mercedes, my child,” I remarked blandly, “of course it is. Dry your pretty eyes and send back the strait-waist- coat. By the means of a trifling little system I picked up from somewhere, I shall make your desire known to the fool clerk. Listen carefully, and most likely you will be able to do as much in the future yourself.” “Ha!” said Mercedes noncommitally, but she gave me the telephone. “Attention!” I shouted through the telephone, and had the pleasure of hear- ing the presumably startled clerk's heels click. “ What the lady wants is a glass top for a percolator. P for Paris, ¢ for eel, r for Russia, ¢ for candy, o for ocean, | for liar, a for able, t for trance, o for only, r for rattle. A-glass- top-for-a-percolator. Do you get it?” “ Absolutely,” he shouted back, and, as if to prove how sincere he was, he promptly rang off. Triumphantly I looked over at Mer- cedes. “How's that for a system?” I asked. For once, Mercedes had nothing what- ever to say. Next morning at breakfast Mercedes opened one of her letters and with a pe- culiar expression handed it to me. IT read it. “Dear Madam [it said]: Clerk 14456 QUERY: DO FOXES ENJOY WEEK-ENDS? reports an extraordinary order over the telephone from you or from someone using your name and address. As Clerk 14436 has some knowledge of shorthand, he was able to record the order verbatim, The order follows: “*T want a grass plot for a tpro kp(?). T for tariff, p for peel, r for rusher, s for sandy, o for ocean, hell for liars (?), k for cable, p for prance, h for homely, tar for brittle (?).’ “We beg to state that we do not carry grass plots, not to mention any of the other articles. Will you please advise us?” The gale of laughter that followed was indubiously unladylike. “Mercedes!” I said sternly, “you for- get yourself!” “Oh . . . oh!” she gasped. “H for horse, a for apple; h for horse, a for apple.” And she continued muttering this formula rapidly. “What do you mean?” I demanded. “I'm laugh- “Ha-ha!” she explained. ing at you!” At times it becomes painfully apparent that in some things Mercedes is decidedly lacking. Henry William Hanemann, LIFE’S Ready Replies Good Under Any Circumstances; Memo- rize and Be Prepared for an Emergency Tne State or Trave UESTION: What do you think of deflation? Answer: We must get back to normal, but whether we should get back to old- time prices is another question. The problem lies in getting back without dis- turbing present profits. I don’t really know how that is to be done, but the financial minds of the country will find a way. Credit should be deflated, but this should be done without requiring anybody to use his money for paying off loans. Our great need is a Tower living cost. That may come either when prices go down or when gold movements are stabil- ized. The future will tell. comicbooks.c¢oml