Life — September 23, 1920 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

JONES, A PRACTICAL RELIEVER IN LEVITATION, BRINGS IN HIS STALLED AUTO -LIFE. A-Sitting on a Porch ORXE tay, while looking for a plea To brighten Freedom's torch, I saw a stanch Republican \-sitting on a porch. Tell me; O candidate,” I said, “The planks on which you stand.” His answer trickled through my head Like water poured on sand. He said, “I'l fight the League, of course. Hiram would have it so. 1 do not favor foreign war: Except in Mexico. To-day, if we had ratified, Think of the grievous toll! A million Yankees might have died To save the menaced Pole.” “But since the Poles began,” I cried, “It makes an awkward fix How could the League of Nations side Against the Bolsheviks? How could they ask on such a plea Our troops to cross the foam, When England, France and Italy Have kept their men at home? “And are the Poles so sore bestead?” He looked a trifle vague, And murmured, nee the dead, League is Why not revive the Hague? A court equipped to scratch and bite Shall hold our honor high, And barristers defend the right They vanquished at Versailles.” “Should consciences of nations be Less strong than you have reckoned, The cycles’ opportunity Proved to have falsely heckon Should armed alliance spurn it then Or Bolsheviki flout it, And men persist in being men, What would you do about it?” He said, “I cannot be precise; It’s not to be expected. But I'l be open to advice When once I am elected. The Senate, with a hand that’s firm, Will save the situation, While I display The grandeur of negation.” through all my term, I swooned, but still a tangled maze Of phrases echoed thinly Upon my ear. The great and good McKinley I heard him praise And tell me how his campaign wealth By sons of toil was paid, And how he'd like to drink my health, But laws must be obeyed. And now, if eer by chance I put My fingers into glue, Or madly squeeze @ left-hand foot Into a right-hand she Or if my unprotected head The suns of August scorch, I weep, for it reminds me of That candidate I could not love, Who strove with Penrose, Smoot & Co, To set democracy aglow, Who wildly wabbled to and fro, Who straddled high, who straddled low, Who snorted like a buffalo That summer day not tong ago, A-sitting on a porch. John Strong Newberry. Their Money's Worth “CAN you imagine anybody paying twenty thousand dollars for that shac I had just told Jenkins that our mutual friend, Jones, about to he married, had bought a little new house in our suburb. “ Certainly,” came back Jenkins. “What! Why, man alive, look “Itis worth every cent of i at the lot. Or rather, look for it. There is no lot.” “I know,” said Jenkins quietly, “but you are losing sight of modern values. It is true that the house has only two masters’ bedrooms, but the lower floor is finished in white enamel. That alone is worth five thousand dollars to a modern girl, As you pointed out before, the heating plant is too small for the building, but the living-room The fa cope with burst pipes is discounted by the open fireplace; small, of course, but never theless open. The absence of garden spac looking brass knocker on the front door, and I understand the mirrors in the closet doors are flawless. You must not lay too much stress on the fact that the foundation has sunk perceptibly ; And as for the lack of trees—well, as the bride-clect has probably said, one can't have everything. [am rather suspicious of that roof, but it isn’t every house that has a breakfast-room, No: everything considered, I think you will find they have their money's worth.” has a white maple floor. t that the plumbing is exposed and Jones will have to is no drawback when you look at that good- think of those cunning, built-in bookcases. comicbooks.