Life — August 1, 1918 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Life’s Horoscopes JAMES W. GERARD 1 bear and Gemini having had their hands cut off, all the inhabi- tants of Mars being deported, Capri- cornus crucified and Gott locked up for insubordination, this gentleman was born at Genesee, New York, in 1867, surrounded by German spies and newspapermen. Possessed of a firm, unyielding Tammany Hall dis- position, he will do his best work in the movies, the Chautauqua circle or as a vaudeville performer for Hearst's daily American, Should avoid diplomats, real statesmen and all gentlemen afflicted with good taste and an inherent capacity for silence. Looks well in a diving suit of navy blue or in a sound-proof time-safe, to be closed for the duration of the war, CHAMP CLARK ISSOURI being in half compro- mise with the cotton belt, with yellow journals still below the hori- zon and the orbit of Free Silver in cusp with W. J. Bryan, this gentle- man was ushered into the sometime blue-grass but now yellow-journal region of Kentucky on the 7th of March, 1850. From thence he escaped to Bowling Green, Mo., with Brisbanes and Hearsts malific in the far west and pro-Germans crossed with the cusp of the United States Senaté. When arriving at the age of discretion, or in 10 years, 10 days, 24 hours, 4 minutes and 32 seconds from the hour that the House Committee oa Rules adjourns, he should beware of presi- dential bees or pacifist lambs in the third house of the Ways and Means Committee. Otherwise he may talk freely in the presence of Vice-President Marshall or when crossing the Alkali Desert. He looks well in pleated bolshe- vikis with profiteers ascendant and cuspidors triumphant in the lower house. Will do his best work in 1925 as the end man in a full chorus of deaf and dumb Democrats living on an alfalfa farm, Dh. Jordan’s Sentiments I% speaking of Dr. David Starr Jordan and his antipathy to war, Lire said (May 3oth): “He would cure it, apparently, by lying down, whereas the treatment popular just now is to stand up to it.” But Dr. Jordan writes: T have never believed that peace could be had by lying down before aggression. There was while von Jagow was in power an apparent chance for honorable mediation. That was lost when the Kaiser decided to give the Tirpitz-Ludendorff group another trial, and now the war must go on until they, and probably the Kaiser also, are pried loose. “1 wonder why you trail?—” The Feetless Day CE to a Centipede a Snail Remarked, “I wonder why you trail Along the ground with such a lot Of feet—a hundred, is it not? A hundred feet! when two or three Are all you need. Just look at me! The speed and ease with which I crawl, And yet I have no feet at all! In these days would it not be wise For you to—well, to Hooferize? You surely don’t need more than two To get along! If I were you, I'd use one pair and stand up straight, And save the other ninety-eight Against a rainy day.” “Indeed You're right!” replied the Centipede. “T've often thought, to do my part, 'Twould be advisable to start. A Feetless Day—but then, you sce, If I stood upright I should be A hundred feet in height, and I Might bump my head against the sky!” “Well,” said the Snail, “I must admit That puts a different face on it! Your life depends on lying flat! Dear! Dear! I hadn't thought of that!” Oliver Herford. “Your life depends on lying flat” ) Stee oad comicbooks.com