Life, 1918-07-25 · page 30 of 36
Life — July 25, 1918 — page 30: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page from *Life* magazine features several short humorous anecdotes in the "Aut Scissors Aut Nullus" (scissors or nothing) section—a regular humor column. The jokes satirize professional incompetence and literal-mindedness: **"Going Some"** mocks a doctor's inconsistency—he contradicts his own earlier medical advice, blaming "science" for the reversal. **"A Fifty-fifty Irishman"** is a wartime hospital joke playing on Irish stereotypes; a wounded soldier claims to be "half Irish" and "half holes and bandages." **"Meant Himself"** ridicules polite pretense—an Englishman's excuse about respecting the editor's time actually reveals self-regard. **"Stumped"** depicts a military officer unable to answer a simple tactical question, suggesting military incompetence. The remainder is a substantial advertisement for horse racing at Saratoga Springs, New York—a major leisure destination for wealthy Americans—listing stakes races throughout August.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
(AUT SCISSORS Aut NULLUS Going Some Doctor: What? Troubled with sleep- lessness? Eat something before going to bed. Patient: Why, doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before going to bed. Docror (with dignity): Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science has made enormous strides since then. —Christian Register. A Fifty-fifty Irishman In his book, “From Gallipoli to Dag. dad" “Padre” William Ewing tells story of a burly Irishman brought into the field-hospital suffering from) many are you?" asked the doctor. ure, I'm half an Irishman. “And what's the other half?" “Holes and bandages.” —Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph Meant Himself A well-known Englishman was calling on an editor, when he rose abruptly and said: “But I must not further occupy the time of a busy man.” “Not at all,” exclaimed the editor; “T am always pleased.” ‘ “Oh, I was referring to myself,” was Stumped 7 the placid rejoinder.—Transcript. “ Now, Lieutenant Tompkins,” said the ‘ou have the battalion in quar- 7 Private Simrte: I've got a dandy . facing south—how would you idea—a machine-gun that can shoot a get it into line, in the quickest possible : thousand rounds a minute. way, facing northeast?” a CorroraL Betcurcuy: What good “Well, sir,” said the lieutenant, er would it be? oon as the Germans IP WOOL KEEPS RISING captured one they'd build a million like it, OM, AY THE WAY, REMEMBER WHEN WE Private Simrte: No, they couldn't. USED TO WEAR THOSE?” I'd get it patented. —Tit-Bits. a moment’s fruitless consideration, “do you know, that’s what I've often won- dered.”—Transcript. ire. is published every Thursday, simultaneously in the United States, Great Britain, Lire is for sale by all newsdealers in Great Britain and may be obtained from bosk Canada and British Possessions, Title registered in U. S. Patent Office. $5.00 a year _ sellers in all the principal cities in the world. The foreign trade supplied froa in advance. Additional postage to foreign countries in the Postal Union, $1.04 a year; s 1 e, Rolls House, Breams Buildings, London, E. C. , to Canada, s2 cents. Single current copies, 10 cents. Back numbers, after three months . atk ns will be returned untess 96 impenied: by stamped eed datieael from date of publication, 25 cents. Issues prior to 1910 out of quralape:— EArt dose wot held. Usell responsible for the loss"ornomrcture: of sate, The text and illustrations in Live are copyrighted, For Reprint Rights in Greet Britain 9 N ress should reach thi . rior to the dat epply to Lire, Rolls House, Breams Buildings, Fetter Lane, London, E. C., England. Siica ols hanopiol \eddressnshenldoreachs ther obice tem days prierite the dite «f America’s Premier Watering Place RACING AT SARATOGA THURSDAY, AUGUST 1st TO SATURDAY, AUGUST 31st (Inclusive) SIX RACES EVERY WEEK DAY, RAIN OR SHINE Thursday, August Ist Saturday, August 3rd Saturday, August 10th SARATOGA HANDICAP UNITED STATES HOTEL STAKES SARATOGA SPECIAL ForThree Year Olds and Up. 1'4 Miles. For Two Year Olds. 3{ Mile. For Two Year Olds. 6 Furlongs. Wednesday, August 14th Saturday, August 17th THE SANFORD MEMORIAL THE SPINAWAY STAKES For Two Year Olds. 6 Furlongs. For Two Year Old Fillies. 514 Furlongs. Saturday, August 24th GRAND UNION HOTEL STAKES For Two Year Olds. 6 Furlongs. Saturday, August 17th THE TRAVERS STAKES For Three Year Olds. 13/ Miles. Saturday, August 31st THE HOPEFUL STAKES For Two Year Olds. 6 Furlongs. Saturday, August 31st SARATOGA CUP For Three Year Olds and Up. 13/ Miles. THE SARATOGA ASSOCIATION for the Improvement of the Breed of Horses RICHARD T. WILSON, President HARRY PAYNE WHITNEY, Vice-President ANDREW MILLER, Secretary and Treasurer 18 East 41st Street, New York. From July 25th to September Ist, 18 Grand Union Hotel, Saratoga Springs, N. Y. A. McL. EARLOCKER, Racing Secretary. comicbooks.com