Life — April 18, 1918 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HERBERT HOOVER HIS gentleman was born under Sagittarius in delicatessen with the Pleiades, and has a roast-beef countenance, wheat-growing mind not easily imposed upon, a charlotte-russe temperament, and looks well in biscuit glacé overalls, studded with soft-s crabs and oleomargerine. V well as grocer’s clerk, worker in a pastry shop or salt mine, or as over- seer to some large desert. When the ecliptic is within seven arcs of the mansion of the moon he should beware of meeting lobster newburgs, and in the months of May, June and December should avoid kitchen- maids and garbage-men, With Mars in the ascendant and s and Neptune in conjunction with the orbit of the Dog Star, much care should be taken with all interior decora- tions, otherwise nut sundaes will become prevalent in the west, accompanied by rain, snow and oatmeal and graham crackers in the cusp of the third house. W. J. BRYAN HIS gentleman was born with Aquarius and Cancer tied at the nineteenth hole with one putt to hole out and Gemini crying for grape juice in the planetary house of the fourth di- mension. He has a nature timid almost, but not quite, to the point of silence, a Chautuaqua exterior lined with pacifist pleats of German silver, rarely stops speaking when spoken to, and for breakfast is passionately fond of white feathers and malted milk. Will succeed as a ven- triloquist’s dummy, barkeeper in a gas house or animal trainer in an inebriate asylum. Should avoid all govern- ment buildings, platforms or salaried positions, confining himself largely to the great Kansas plateau, the arid regions of the far west or the rugged slopes of the Rocky Moun- tains. Looks well in hohenzollerns fastened at the side and festooned with verbiage and von Bernstorft side combs. H. A. GARFIELD HIS gentleman was born with the Northern Lights out, Scorpio, Taurus and Leo with chilblains on their orbits, Capricornus rampant, Aries sending S O S signals to Pluto, and Neptune chopping up his trident for kindling-wood. He has a low temperature, a warm heart, and is easily influenced by adversity, danc- ing the St. Vitus with superb ease and abandon. Should never come to any conclusion when Mars is ascend- LIFE Life’s Horoscopes ant or in the months of December, January, February, March or April, or at any other time, and when traveling should avoid coal pockets, freight terminals and icebergs. Looks well in bituminous pajamas and anthracite spats. Will succeed as a Sunday-school librarian, third assistant to a walking delegate or head procrastinator for a kinder- garten printing press; also ice-keeper in a cemetery. T.L. M, Two Revelations AR and penitentiaries are the unveilers of souls. Racial and individual masks peel off like dead skin when the solar flames of hate and life-defense are enkindled. This war has stripped two souls naked to the heart— the souls of France and Germany. The flames at Louvain lighted up the abysms of the Ger- manic soul and revealed it spotted with leprous ulcers and striped like the tiger—Caliban dressed as Dr. Faust. France at the Marne, a lark of the empyrean caught in a hell-born tempest, revealed the soul of a flaming marty1 warrior. Here was weakness sublimed to sheer Power. Gay Paris fell; Domremy rose. France was a bellowing lion, Her cap and bell, in a night—behold!—had become the armor of Jeanne d’Arc; her wand of pleasure, the sword of Napoleon! Two revelations—and two revaluations—Germany and France. To-day the adamant heart of France dominates the Allies and the leprous heart of the Turk dominates the Teuton. THE PROFITEER'S PROGRESS PAPER SHOES ARE NOTHING NEW— "EM FOR MONTHS! AH, YES—BUT THIS IS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PAPER! Army Contractor: WE'VE BEEN MAKIN’ Inventor: comichookqeer]