Life, 1917-12-27 · page 30 of 41
Life — December 27, 1917 — page 30: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page satirizes **William Randolph Hearst's sensationalist journalism** by turning his inflammatory editorial logic against children. Hearst's *New York Evening Journal* ran an extreme piece about a dangerous dog, using alarmist language to justify eliminating the animal. Life's satire mimics this rhetoric exactly—using Hearst's own capitalized keywords and dramatic tone—but applies it to *children* instead. The article invents absurd, cruel anecdotes (a child attacking elderly women; grandchildren killing an old man) and argues children are "savages," disease-spreaders, and economic drains, concluding we should eliminate them. The joke is **reductio ad absurdum**: if Hearst's reasoning about dogs is valid, why not apply it to children? The satire exposes how dangerous his editorial sensationalism becomes when its logic is followed consistently. The casual seaman and jewelry jokes are unrelated filler typical of the magazine's format.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
1098 Arguing from the Hearst Standpoint In Williamsburg a dog attacked school children, bit two of them, and bit three men who attempted . . . + +. the dog is only a more or less thoroughly tamed WILD animal. . . . He is always a menace, for he CARRIES, SPREADS and BREEDS disease. He is occasionally savage and NEVER safe. . . . There is no more reason for permitting a man to keep alive near your children a dog that is dangerous, or that may become dangerous, than there is for per- mitting a poisonous snake to live in your neighbor- hood.—Editorial, New York Evening Journal. OVERS of children don’t tell ALL the child stories. Here are two, ignored by KINDERGARTEN TEACHERS and soft-hearted MOTHERS: In Selzerwasser, Russia, a child ATTACKED a roomful of old ladies, kicked seven of them on the shins, and BIT five who attempted to prevent him from helping himself to a chocolate-frosted cake on a nearby tea-table. Near Ishpeming, Mich., an aged man slept in the attic of a farmhouse attended by his two grandchildren, aged five and seven. One morning recently this unfortunate man DID NOT APPEAR. Searchers found that the two grand- children had ENTICED the helpless old man to a merry- go-round and forced him to ride until he DIED of dizziness. Not pleasant stories, but it is well for the majority to remember that the CHILD is only a more or less thor- oughly civilized SAVAGE. He is always a menace, for he CARRIES, SPREADS and BREEDS disease. He is occasionally DANGEROUS, and NEVER safe. Weak-minded FOOLS would have you believe that CHILDREN are SOLACES to their parents. They are LIARS. When a child grows up, he gets MARRIED and LEAVES his parents; or else he brings his wife HOME to live on the FOLKS, and allows them to BUY her CLOTHES. There isn’t enough SOLACE in such a pro- gram to cover a POSTAGE STAMP. What is even more important just now than the child’s MURDERINGS and his spreading of DISEASE is this fact: It is the prevalence of CHILDREN ‘throughout the coun- try that keeps up the prices of clothes and food-stuffs. If CHILDREN did not exist there would be hundreds of millions more things for US to EAT. There would be no demand for children’s shoes, fewer cattle would be required for HIDES, and a pound of STEAK could be bought for about SEVEN CENTS. It is time we WAKED “LIFE: Ny Captain: ARE YOU AN EXPERIENCED SEAMAN? Applicant: CERTAINLY, 1 CAN OPERATE AN ANTI-SUBMARINE GUN, KNOW HOW TO DODGE A FLOATING MINE, AND CAN LIVE IN AN OPEN BOAT TWELVE DAYS WITHOUT FOOD. UP to the frightful handicap which children IMPOSE on us. As for the individual who allows a DANGEROUS child to roam at large near his HOME, his instinct for SELF- PROTECTION is badly WARPED, There is no more REASON for permitting anyone to keep alive in your vicinity a child that is dangerous, or THAT MAY BECOME DANGEROUS, than there is for permitting a poisonous snake to live in your neighborhood. Kenneth L. Roberts. Outdoing Herself “I OOK at her, old chap. Ever see so much jewelry on a woman in your life?” “Yes” “Where?” “TI took breakfast with her once in Palm Beach.” comicbooks gia