Life — September 27, 1917 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Berlin Bits I. The Dummy Peace In order to deceive enemy aviators, the Germans are using dummy guns with dummy flashes. —News item, HE Kaiser carefully draped his military cloak over his withered arm, shifted eleven pounds of gold decora- tions from the left breast of his coat to the right, in order to relieve the drag on his shoulder, and pressed a button on his desk with a regal gesture. Immediately there arose a sound of scurrying and squeaking, as though a rat were in trouble. A moment later the door opened and Chancellor Michaelis scuttled in, rubbing his hands together and trembling perceptibly at the awe-inspiring figure of his master. “D-did you call, All-Highest?” stuttered the Chancellor obsequiously. “Yes, Georg,” replied the Kaiser with a condescending smile. “I have been meditating on our ruse of using dummy guns with dummy flashes in order to deceive enemy aviators; and it has occurred to me that this is a field of endeavor that has been insufficiently explored. We must go into the dummy business more efficiently.” “An excellent idea!” agreed the Chancellor, smiling nervously. “If we could replace the infants of the 1921 class with dummy soldiers, our army might be able to fight once more.” “Silence!” growled the Kaiser. “We have no need of dummy soldiers. As soon as we have provided ourselves with the proper sort of dummies, our army will become quite unnecessary for the time being.” “The proposition sounds interesting, All-Highest,” de- clared the Chancellor servilely. “What sort of dummies do you wish me to get?” “ First of all,” replied the Kaiser deeamily, “we want a few dummy statesmen in other countries. You can get them by bribery or by cajolery. The latter method, I think, always works well in the United States. Then we want a number of dummy peace terms for the statesmen to pro- pose.” Excellent!” shouted the Chancellor, jotting down notes on his glossy shirt bosom. “Then,” continued the Kaiser, “we must have some dummy acceptances of the proposals, and a few dummy signatures to a dummy treaty of peace.” “T sce it all!” cried the Chancellor enthusiastically. “That,” the Kaiser concluded, winking gaily at the Chancellor, “that, Georg, will give us a dummy peace, which will last until we have regained our strength and are in a position to conquer the world in three months!” “Great!” cried the Chancellor, “but while we are pre- paring all these dummies, shouldn’t we guard against any possibility of someone trying to provide the nation with a dummy Kaiser?” “Go 'way with you, Georg!” laughed the Kaiser, hurl- ing an Order of the Red Eagle with Oak Leaves at his “LIFE - The Lady: 1p Like TO GET A PIPE THAT WOULD BE BE- COMING TO A RATHER TALL YOUNG ARTILLERY OFFICER WITH A SMALL MUSTACHE AND A SOMEWHAT PROMINENT NOSE. Chancellor. “ This is a serious business and we must treat it accordingly.” So saying, he readjusted his cloak over his arm to show that the interview was at an end and gave himself over to dreams of the day when Prince Joachim should be the colonial governor of North and South America. Kenneth L. Roberts. Purely Personal 'HINK of it! Some people would rather be Harold Bell Wright than President. A Hoover in times saves nine. When it comes to the next Liberty Loan, let us then be up and McAdooing. A little Kerensky now and then is worshipped by the wisest men, comicbooks Bain