Life — March 15, 1917 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

438 “DSIRE The Appreciation of Aesculapius "ZEUS stepped out of the Mt. Olympus elevator, stood his thunderbolts in a convenjent corner of the Panthe- on Country Club grill, and rang for Ganymede, his favor- ite waiter. “Ganymede,” said Zeus in a jovial voice, ‘bring me a quart of 1887 nectar, a full portion of ambrosia cooked under glass, and haye Aesculapius paged for me. I want to talk to him.” A few moments later Aesculapius entered the grill room dusting the billiard chalk from his fingers. In obedience to a gesture from Zeus he sat down, helped himself to a glass of nectar and inhaled its bouquet appreciatively. “ Of course, Aesculapius,” declared Zeus, plunging imme- diately into the subject in which he was most interested, according to his custom, “of course you remember the day when I hit you with a thunderbolt because I feared that your skill in curing disease might render all men immortal?” “T should say I did!" replied Aesculapius with feeling. “It hit me right in the neck; and I still have the scar. Fortunately it is covered by the prevailing style in collars. I'm afraid that you gave me credit for being too good a physician, Zeus.” Zeus nodded. “The same idea occurred to me a short time ago,” said he. “As you know, I have suffered from periodic fits of de- pression and nervousness; and \re- cently I began to grow tired of your constant advice to get more fresh air, more sleep and less rich food, to say nothing of becoming very dubious regarding the efficacy of the sugar pills that you always handed me for every ailment.” “I'm only a family physician,” said Aesculapius apolo- getically. “I'm afraid I don’t keep in touch with the latest wrinkles in remedies.” “That was just what I told myself,” said Zeus. “I made up my mind that I wanted to hear some expert theories in regard to my troubles, instead of listening to your old- fashioned advice; so I assumed the form of a stock-broker, paid a visit to America, the home of the expert, and made an appointment with a great nerve specialist.” Aesculapius sighed. “It must have been a great treat,” said he, “to consult a person who was conversant with the last word in medical science.” = “Oh, yes, indeed!” declared Zeus. “He asked me my family history for four generations back, wrote the answers on a filing-card, pounded me all over, gave me seven pre- scriptions, shook his head as though there were little hope, told me that he thought my condition might result from some intestinal trouble, suggested that I see a friend of his who was the greatest stomach specialist in the world, and charged me twenty-five dollars.” “T wanted to hear some expert theories” “Twenty-five dollars!” exclaimed Aesculapius. \ Caryatides!”” “Quite so,” replied Zeus. “At any rate, I went to the stomach specialist. He took down my pedigree and as many of my parents’ and grandparents’ peculiarities as I could give him. Then he pounded me zealously, took an X-ray picture of my stomach showing my match-safe and my cigar-cutter, gave me five prescriptions to have filled, told me that he wanted me to see an eye-and-car specialist who would doubtless be a great help to me, and charged me twenty-five dollars.” “Good night!” groaned Aesculapius. : “To make a long story short,” continued Zeus, “I visited the eye-and-ear specialist, who sent me to a lung specialist, who turned me over to a nose-and-throat spe- cialist, who passed me on to a spine-and-back specialist. None of them told me what was the matter with me.. When I got through, I had one hundred and fifty dollars less than when I Started, and twenty-seven pre- scriptions which cost me sixty- three dollars to have filled. I took all twenty-seven medicines for a day, and they made me deathly ill.” “ Outrageous,” lapius. “Thereupon, old chap,” said Zeus, signalling to Ganymede to bring another quart of nectar, “I threw the stuff out of the window and took your good old cure,, which consists of getting plenty of fresh air, going to bed at nine o'clock, eating the simplest foods, drinking lots of water, and taking just enough exercise to avoid being bored. As a result, I feel as though I could whip a dozen policemen. another bottle of that '87 nectar, and be quick “Holy growled Aescu- “So you're going to let me stay on as your family physi- cian, are you?” asked Aesculapius eagerly. “Am I, my dear old boy!” exclaimed Zeus, “I should say I am! What's more, I’m going to rajse your salary! Why, my judgment was perfectly all right in the beginning. You were the one who could have made men immortal if they had stuck to your prescriptions sinstead of letting specialists worry them to pieces. Aesculapius, here’s look- ing at you!” And the grill of the Pantheon Country Club echoed to the gurgling of vanishing nectar. K. L. Roberts. OGGS: I understand that the Upton-Smyths have bought a whole new set of ancestors with the proceeds of their steel holdings. Toccs: I always suspected that they came of common stock. comicbooks.com