Life, 1916-12-14 · page 14 of 42
Life — December 14, 1916 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains satirical advertisements and short humor pieces typical of Life magazine's format. The fake ads mock consumer products: "Smoothas-Glass" floor varnish (humorously causing people to slip), and a "Shiver Sharp-Frost Furnace" that fails to keep homes warm in winter—both playing on common household frustrations. The "Autobiography of a New Jersey Road" is a humorous first-person narrative from the perspective of a deteriorating road, complaining about its decline from prosperity during the New York Corporation period to present neglect and damage. Short joke pieces follow, including one about "Two Hughesses" (likely referencing historical figures named Hughes) and quips about whiskey and religion. The overall tone is lighthearted domestic satire targeting everyday American consumer products and infrastructure problems.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Autobiography of a New Jersey Road I GOT up this morning and locked at myself in the sky and said, “I am not well this morning. I'm feeling pretty rocky. Some people get into tuts. Life with me is just one awful rut after another.” I remember the month I was born, several years ago. How smooth and even I felt—how I rolled along like a beautiful white ribbon, through vil- lages and open fields. Ah! That was a long time ago, during the New York Corporation period, when the money flowed into the state legislature and I was good to look upon. Now all is changed! I grow older by the minute. My crossings are cracked. I have pains in my side, and I feel like thirty cents. I'm really ashamed to look at myself in the sky. When I was young I was full of macadam. Everything rolled over me without effort. I took every- thing so easily that life was one grand, sweet procession. Now I am racked to pieces and shot full of holes. I never used to have any ups and downs. Now I have a chronic case of bumps; they tell me that I have entered upon a period of senile decay from which there is no relief but a lingering death. I'm all run down. Water only makes me worse. . . They tell me that money is the only thing that will cure me. It goes over Lave eg Advertisements You Have Never Seen ‘You Can PERIsH Tis WINTER TeYou UseA SHIVER. SHARP-FROST FURNACE. ‘Buy One And Youll Go Out- Ordeal GetWarni, me all day, but never enters into my composition. I am doomed. Where is my mother, Jersey, 1 wonder, that she lets me die thus? They tell me she is consorting with politicians. Well, I should bump! T. L. M. Two Hugheses Put Out LATEY there were three Hugheses, all great, and all in the running. Ours failed to connect on November 7th, General Sam Hughes of Canada, Minister of Militia and Defense, re- signed his office on November 13th. He fell out with Premier, Borden. Now, for the moment, only the Aus- tralian Hughes remains in a position “Good Evening Maden AK.1 See You Use SMOOTHAS-GLASS, ‘THE MALIGNANT FLOOR VARNSTH.” It Chips, Cracks, Softens And Sticks | To The Furniture. to support the reputation of the family. But with Lloyd-George still going strong, the Welsh have no need to re- pine. Let Us Avoid Temptation A plea for a billion-dollar fund to aid sufferers of all the warring na- tions was made by Myron T. Her- rick, ex-Ambassador to France, be- fore an audience of two hundred whose wealth runs into the millions. He spoke at a dinner given by Mrs. E, T. Stotesbury, and his idea was applauded vigorously. —New York World. RUST a billion dollars with up-to- daté Americans? Better move slowly, Mr. Herrick. A people too proud to fight might easily be too smart to be honest. AS Chollie regained conscious- ness?” “Yes, his mind is a perfect blank.” Red whiskey and the church have nothing in common. —Billy Sunday. ERHAPS not. The theological whiskey is Scotch.