Life — November 16, 1916 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ex ‘LIFE: “If I Had Been President” “IF I had been President when the Lusitania was sunk,” said T. R. in Denver, “I'd have seized every interned German ship and then I'd have said to Germany: ‘Now, we'll see not what you are going to give us as compensa- tion for this, but what we are going to give you.’” Few people doubt that if T. R. had been President the last three years, a lot of things would have happened, some of which would have been very cheering to the spirit. He might have made us a costly leader, but we should have had a run for our money. The Colonel with his prestige, his experience and his disposition, could have done what was possible to no one else in the country, and especially not to any green hand in European affairs like Mr. Wilson. Why wasn’t the Colonel President? Ask Providence; but while you are waiting, ask the Colonel. The same irrepressibleness which would have got him into the Kaiser’s hair when the Lusitania was sunk got him into Taft’s hair four years before. Becauze he could not sit still under Taft he has had to sit still under Wilson. He is a bad hand at sitting still; a man of action who must do or bust. It would be rash to say he might have been Taft's suc- cessor if he had lain low, but it is altogether probable that if he had not split his party in 1912 he would have been the Republican candidate in 1916, and gone through a-whooping. Hence many thoughts, partly sad. If Germany had been a republic after '48 there would have been no Kaiser and (probably) no war. Perhaps it is the office of Republican institutions to keep Kaisers and Colonels in private life. Give "Em a Chance “P)OCTORS can operate, vaccinate and inoculate at any time, can’t they?” “Certainly. Why not?” “Don't you think there ought to be a closed season for human beings—as with deer?” Doctor: AND DON’T FORGET THAT YOU ARE TO TAKE A SHOVEL- FUL OF THIS POWDER IN A BARREL OF WATER AFTER EACII MEAL Evpitaphs on the Kaiser (Note to contributors: No more contributions for this department received after noon, November 16, 1916.) ERE lies in state The “ Him of Hate.” The kultured killer of Cavell— His corpse lies here: his soul's in—well! Here lies interred a man of might. Poor Bill! He thought that might was right. Here lies the Lord of Germany, By dauntless Death out-topped. Good people mourned him while he lived, But when he died they stopped. Hic jacet William, gory Kaiser, Whether in pain or glory, wiser. "Round Ich und Gott, for several years, The Central Powers revolved. The senior member, Jch, lies here, All partnership dissolved. See! Now among the punished Shades Bill ever flees, a toppling wreck, With siege-guns dropping on his toes And gas-bombs bursting down his neck. Ten million men’s fair bones now rot, A monument to Me und Gott! Here lies Bill, the Lord of Strife. “A place in the sun” cost him his life. And he won't dig out to wear his crown, For they planted him deep and upside down. Poverty and taxes are with us still, But the war is over, and so is Bill. Here lies “ Me” of “ Me und Gott.” “Gott mit uns” still—but Me is not. Here lies Bill, the son of a gun, In the only trench he really won, Erstwhile on Europe's battlefields he trod, And, boasting, often spoke of “me and God.” But Satan’s hosts now shriek with mocking lav ghter, Because his soul with God has no hereafter.