Life — November 9, 1916 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LIFE™ Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy Why Should Not Japan Steal China? To Editor “ Life Weekly Rebuke” who prints plenty wisdom about modern history and other scandals, EAREST SIR: My cousin Nogi approach to me this p. m. and say for slight peev of tone: “Togo,” he ingrouch, “I have de- cided to abandon my Japanese civiliza- tion.” “What nationality will you now be- come?” I ask to know despisely, “TI shall be Irish, maybe, or Swed- ish, if convenient,” he holla with Em Goldman expression. “But no more Japness shall be attached to my charac- ter.” “Why is?” simply I require. “ Because of,” he snib. “ By stealing China Japan have put herself outside the pail.” “Quite contrary!” I snignify dis- tinetually, “By removal of China to her own doorstep Japan have made herself very respectable member of In- ternational Bucket Shop. If Japan are full of soldiers and China are too tired for fight, why should not Japanese bat- tleboats walk into Chinese sea-port and shoot it quiet without cause? None!” “Such act might be committed by Christians,” negotiate Nogi, “but when committed by heathens they make me blush yellow. This are not war. It are piracy.” “Tut-hush!” I rebuke. “ Piracy are strong-arm word only used by English newspapers when speaking to German submarines. When sea-captains learned to blow up cities at distance of 26 miles and subtorpedomarine passenger boats while killing women and children by machinery, then Piracy went out of fashion. It are now called National Expansion and are regarded very sweet religion. Brass bands make music about it, clergical gentlemen spreach about it, and respectable kings are so affectionate about it they stop drinking whiskey as example of morals to all patriots who must save up their strength to be able to stab other pa- triots more skillfully. Nogi, Nogi! I siprised to hear you talk such con- versation. If Hon. Kaiser give his family outing in Belgium and hand them firearms for enjoyment, why + should not Hon. Mikado also decide that Japan must have a place in the “T shall be Irish, maybe.” sunstroke? We must learn how make war from Germany same way we learned how make ottomobiles & alarm- clocks. That Dutchland country con- tain all sorts science.” “Germany have held torch of learn- ing for several 100's of years,” Nogi admire. “She are now using that torch for burn down Europe,” I report. “ That Hon. Torch, after teaching chemestry to 66 nations, are now busy throwing poison gas all over Hague Convention rules.” “Chinese pirates knew how to throw stink-pot smoke at enemy in year 100 B. C.” retork Nogi for slight ori- ental prides. “Many bright things was known be- fore Christian era which civilization are just learning to discover. If Japan will be quick and remember some cru- elties she forgot several centuries past- gone, perhapsly she can get ahead of Europe pretty soonly. She now got nice chance practice on China.” “10 Commandment say ‘ Thou shalst not steal,’” negotiate Nogi with mis- sionary expression. “What are use of 10 Commandment when you got God in your family?” T assure. “Hon. Kaiser took Belgium merely because there was too many Hohenzollerns in Heaven to make his crimes seem sinful.” “Japan cannot afford to murder with so much piety,” s: Nogi. “She got seldom Christianity. “Ah! That make her more plenty better. She can grabb up whatever neighborhood seems nice to her. When all-world see and yall, ‘Oh, so dishon- esty!’ Hon. Japan merely make po- liteness and report, ‘How should I know? I never was taught 10 Com- mandments.’ This save considerable prayer, clergyman fees and other hy- pocricy. When we see, we take. Very nice politics.” “T sorry to own such relative,” dib Nogi for scorns. “ Did not China give Japan slight Scrap of Paper saying love-words about peace?” “China have gave Scrap of Paper to almost nearly every nation,” I de- plore. “She are quite generous with those writings resembling laundry bills. Trouble with China is she have always been run by Bryan policy.” “Have China got resemblance to America?” ask Nogi ghastly. “Too considerable,” I narrate. “Chinese Republican Party have al- ways made speeches to show how China are Freest Nation on Earth. When Democrats come in they speak this twice harder, Chinese Navy are al- ways run by editors, Chinese Army by lawyers. Consequence of, Chinese guns are shot by ink and Chinese battleships comicbooks.com