Life — March 23, 1916 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

516 “LIFE: From the Society Column of the Daily Brass Horn, June 1, 2303 'HE Daughters of the American Ammunition Makers of 1915-16, the wealthiest and most exclusive of our societies, at a recent meeting received the report of an ex- pert in heraldry. Ever since the granting of special coats- of-arms to our American Ammunition Lords after the Great War by grateful European powers, there has been some dispute among several noble families as to certain heraldic emblems and markings. The expert engaged by the D, A A. M., after months of painstaking research, during which he examined thousands of ancient bills, receipts and orders for powder, shot, shells, armor-plate, etc., made authori tive decisions on the subject. Our charming society leader, Mrs. Dudley Dollars, is entitled to ornament her stationery with: A battery mule, ravissant, on a field vert and or. On the chevron, a dollar-mark potent, enhanced argent. In dexter angle horseshoes and bullets interchangeable. In sinister angle, a mule’s leg, sable, on a field of shooting stars difuse, surmounted by motto, “ More terrible than bullets.” The Stoddard-Steals will emblazon this on the panel of their limousine: Seven machine-guns, conjoined, on a field smoke-black and argent, Saltire of four gatling-guns, on martial red. At honor point, the double cross, sable. Border, gutté re- versed of blood, ten-dollar picces, or, and shrapnel. Across all, the bend sinister, Petite little Irene Irvington Iron intends to have tat- tooed on her left ankle thé Iron family crest. Diary of a Secretary of the Navy danced a hornpipe, had a swig of grape juice, and dressed. To-day I wore a quartermaster’s uni- my idea is to encourage democracy in the service by winning the hearts of the bluejackets rather than the officers, Went through the morning mail. Fifteen letters from parents asking permission to name their sons after me. To cach of these I sent a signed photo and a personal letter. Letter from a bean cannery in Massachusetts offer- ing to supply me with tinned beans for life if I would recommend their brand for use on battleships. Letters from ten grape-juice distilleries asking for endorsements. Letter from Tuxedo Tobacco, ditto. Letter from Mr. Bryan asking the loan of a battleship to take a Sunday- school convention to the Bahamas, Letter from chief engineer of the Idaho saying the vessel leaks badly. Have recommended that we sell the ship as an excursion boat on the Hudson River, Orderly announced Admiral Robinson and Coal-trimmer Jones to see me, Saw the coal-trimmer first. I will show these gold-lace officials that I am not to be bound by the petty rigmaroles of discipline. Jones complained that his commanding officer has sworn at him. He shall be rebuked. I will not have bad language in the navy. Ad- miral Smith complained that I had sent the Assistant “GREAT CATS! THAT'S LIKE A WOMAN! SHE'S KEPT ME WAITING FORTY DAYS” Secretary to review the Atlantic fleet in the uniform of a Sunday-school superintendent. I explained that this was by special request of Henry Ford, to encourage pacific tend- encies. In the afternoon I excused myself from inspection of “DO YOU EXPECT THE COMPULSORY EXAMINATION TO ACT AS A PREVENTIVE, DOCTOR? ” WE DO, SIR. WE EXPECT IT TO PREVENT HARD TIMES FOR A GREAT MANY DOCTORS” comicbooks.com