Life — March 23, 1916 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

514 ‘LIF E* , __ Prophecies N the year 1950 the Russian government will send reliable messengers to inquire if the war with Germany is still going on. In the year 2000 the Kaiser will admit that he started the war. In the year 2050 several Italian regiments will’ refuse longer to remain on visiting terms with their Teutonic enemies, unless permitted to kill or capture the entire Austrian army. In the year 3000 the President of these Jewnited States will declare war against Germany, unless she stops torpedoing the rowboats which will then constitute the merchant marine of the world. there will arise a great man who will explain to the In the year 3 nations at war why they should consent to peace. In the year 4000 there will be a German philosopher, a French dress- maker, a Russian peasant, an Italian priest, an English suffragette and an Austrian comic opera composer left to represent their nations at the peace negotiations. Ireland will be inhabited by snakes, Scot- land will be overgrown with thistles, and England will be entirely peopled by the descendants of admirers of Henry James. In the year 4oso there will be an excavation “ somewhere in Europe,” and the ruins of The Hague will be discovered. After deciphering a MSS, lecture left by Jane Addams the archaeologists will declare that it was she who started the war. Another Iliad will be written, with Miss Addams as the heroine and the Kaiser as the beautiful young man who got it in the heel. Objections to Seriousness Ir everybody were able to sce clearly, think straight and reach sound conclusions, there could be no objection to seriousness except its mortal monotonousness. But, inasmuch as about ninety per cent. of what serious people think and know and say is in- correct, the evil effect upon the social body is tremendous. It may be, prob- ably is, equally true that ninety per ARMY a cent. of what non-serious people think and know and say is incorrect, but as nobody takes them seriously, no harm is done to the community, and these non-serious ones have at least added to the sum total of enjoyment. The people who take themselves seriously ought to be carefully selected by law Army: ISN'T HE COUNTING A LITTLE TOO MUCH ON US? and their number rigidly limited. Not Wasting It Arsenic and Oratory Bc MAN: Little boy, would you like to have three 'HIS business of poisoning people at public dinners isn’t eyes? nearly as bad as it sounds. Most of us deserve to be Littte Bo: Betcher life I would! poisoned if we haven't better sense than to attend the Bic Man: Where would you put your third eye? In alumni banquets, Chamber of Commerce luncheons, and the back of your head? National Board of Movie Censors dinners which crop up Litre Boy: Naw! I'd put it on de tip o' me finger; every week. If they will just confine the afsenic to the den I'd poke me finger through a hole in de fence an’ speakers’ table nobody will complain, and in a year’s time watch de ball game! the world will be a happier place. comicbooks.com