Life — February 10, 1916 — page 28: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

There’s No Place to Roam W cannot go to Mexico, We cannot sail the sea; And it isn’t very safe here at home. So we've got to find, somewhere, Vacant Castles in the Air, For there’s hardly any other place to roam, Chorus Roam, roam, roam; There isn’t any place left to roam; For they kill us if we stray Out of bounds—and if we stay— They come and get us here, right at home, home, home; They come and get us here, right at home. We'd be keen for Watchful Waiting, If we had a place to wait; But it isn’t very safe here at home: While our stern officials scold If we try to leave the fold, So—we'll have to hunt another world to roam. Charles Elkin, Jr. The M. D.’s and D. T.'s NUMBER of eminent doctors have been trying to discover what ails a man when he has delirium trem- ens. Strange to say, they do not agree. One of them says there are no visible changes in the brain. When, under this condition, you take your brain out and examine it with the utmost care, it appears to be the same as usual. An- other doctor, however, declares that this is not so, and that in reality the brain is concealing a poisonous sub- stance which causes all the trouble. Still others declare the difficulty is not with the brain, but with other organs of the body. Perhaps the best way, after all, to discover the truth would be to take out the organs of the body, one after “TPE * another, until you stop seeing snakes, using care not to mislay any organ. This is what scientists term the process_ of elimination. If a man who wishes to become a chronic drunkard without getting the D. T.’s will discover what organ to re- move at the critical moment, he can go on leading a life of alcoholic ease with- out interruption. Such is the pervers- ity of human nature, however, that we have an idea nobody will really want to do this, when it comes to the crucial test. We imagine that a man who is faithful enough to alcohol to get the D. T.’s will want to see the thing through to the end. Some people like to go to Africa for big game. Others prefer to have it brought to them in a demijohn. It is all a matter of taste. The really important question, how- ever, is this: If the doctors could, in time, come to some conclusion as to what delirium tremens is would that prevent anyone who wants it from having it? When we are out for a good time, we don’t stop to analyze our emotions, or discover what part of our anatomy is responsible. A purple-mauve tiger, with vermil- ion eyes and a barbed-wire tail is al- ways much more interesting and fas- cinating if we don’t quite know where he came from. T.L. M. Game Laws for Leap Year ECTION 1, obtained by business women through Promises of marriage exaggerated statements as to their earnings may, at the option of the promiser, be held null and void. Sec. 2. No widow shall shoot at a man from an ambush of maidenhood. Widows, when proposing, must wear all their wedding rings, save when the proposee is a widower. Then all bets— and rings—are off. Sec. 3. No athletic 200-pounder may embrace a chap half her weight and hold WILL HE GET AWAY? his ribs in peril until he whispers yes. Sec. 4. No girl, with intent to de- ceive and ensnare, shall offer a hungry, boarding-house bachelor a home-cooked meal, alleging that the same is her handiwork, when in reality it was cooked by her mother. Sec. 5. No female tango teacher of the age of forty, plus, shall extract from any young and innocent lad a promise to wed while said youth is in her arms and under the influence of her divine dancing. Sec. 6. It shall be unlawful for any maid to ply a man with love until he is intoxicated, unless she intends to be- come his little bromo seltzer. Sec. 7. The avowal, “I love you,” is hereby declared reprehensible, illegal and of no effect, except when it is im- mediately followed by the questior “Will you be my husband?” Sec. 8. The employment of nets, traps, pits and deadfalls is expressly forbidden. Provided: that nothing in this section shall be construed as pro- hibiting the use of (a) net waists, which reveal alluring shoulders; (b) the verbal trap, which, when sprung, leaves a man engaged, though he did not intend his remark for a proposal (c) the cosy corner pit; (d) the in- tentional fall with sprained ankle trim- ming, whereby a man is forced to pick up the ankle’s owner and carry her— for life. Sec. 9. It shall be unlawful for any woman to capture a married man with- out first obtaining the consent of the courts. Sec. 10. No veteran cannonceress shall fire at a calfish boy with a 42- centimeter gun. Nor shall any woman use the dum-dums known as “ Darling, I need a masterful man to rule me!” Nor the asphyxiating gases: “ You're the handsomest man I ever saw!” and: “T never knew what a great, absorbing passion was until you taught me!” Sec. 11, Feminine fists may properly be employed in overcoming the recal- citrant male. But knives, pistols and slungshots are barred. Sec. 12, Any maid, widow or other female person found guilty of violat- ing the preceding sections of this act shall be deprived of her game and made to stand by and see the same be- stowed upon some damsel who is too bashful to go a-gunning for a man. Terrell Love Holliday.