Life, 1915-12-02 · page 20 of 100
Life — December 2, 1915 — page 20: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This article satirizes the American obsession with novelty fads and the desperation of economically struggling people. The unnamed author claims to have purchased an abandoned well as a residence, furnished it with soap-box furniture tied with pink ribbon, and advocates this as an upcoming trend for "cultivated people who desire something new and are in straightened circumstances." The satire works through deadpan absurdity: listing "advantages" like constant water access, coolness, no dust, and isolation from telephones—while the accompanying illustrations show a well-dressed couple contentedly living in a literal hole. The accompanying "Why Not?" dialogue darkly mocks wealthy churches that own tenements but don't help poor families locate aid on Christmas Eve. Together, these pieces critique both upper-class frivolity with self-invented hardship and systemic indifference toward actual poverty.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Living in an Abandoned Well AVING recently bought an aban- doned well, I wish to let the world know what a great joy it is to live in one. Many people have scorned abandoned wells, but it re- mains for me to place them where they belong. I advertised in the paper, and, hav- ing secured a number of replies, looked over two or three hundred abandoned wells throughout New Eng- land, until I found one that I thought would suit my purpose. The entrance was covered with weeds, tastefully arranged, and needed but slight fur- bishing to make a scenic effect that would delight the eye of any artist. In fitting up my well I used the simplest furniture, making it out of soap-boxes tied with pink ribbon, which my wife secured at a bargain sale on Sixth Avenue. I believe the time is coming when most cultivated people who desire something new and are in straightened circumstances (like myself) will live in abandoned wells almost continually. I can enumerate many advantages, but the following will, perhaps, be enough to start a new fad. The American people have not had a new fad now for nearly thirty-six hours, and if I can put them on their feet by creating a desire for living in abandoned wells, I shall not have lived in vain. The advantages, therefore, of living in an abandoned well are somewhat as follows: One has plenty of water on hand, “MY DEAR MADAM, WHAT YOU NEED IS EXERCISE, TRY BUTTONING YOUR OWN SHOES EVERY MORNING.” “WELL, THE ONLY THING TO DO IS TURN AND GO BACK” except in the dry season, when a visit to the nearby grocery store may supply the deficiency. An abandoned well is always cool. T usually move in during April and stay until the middle of September, thus avoiding the broiling heat of the summer sun, There is no dust. In fact, this alone is enough to repay anyone for living in an abandoned well. I discovered that it was compara- tively easy to raise frogs’ legs, a deli- cacy that it is very difficult to obtain in the open market, where one is almost invariably confronted with the products of cold storage. By living in an abandoned well you also get rid of all noise. After the dis- tracting turmoil of the city and the raucous sound of the automobiles passing in the country, one has no conception of the quietness which pre- vails in an abandoned well. I was able in one week to read aloud to myself an entire Robert Chambers novel. Thus, even in the bottom of a well, one may become spiritualized. Abandoned wells, as a rule, have no telephones. Thus you are not con- stantly being called up by your next- door neighbor or a distant relative who is hastening to meet you with open arms. Also the air in an abandoned well is almost invariably moist, and it has been successfully proven by scientists, bacteriologists, pathologists, psycholo- gists and geologists that moist air is a health-giving gas, which regenerates the system and recreates the organism. And, then, consider how different an abandoned well is from a rolling stone. Why Not? sium CHILD (on Christmas Eve): Then you don’t think Santa Claus will be able to find us? Stum Motner: I'm afraid he doesn’t even know where the tenements are. Stum Cup: But he will be at all the rich churches to-night, won't he? Stum Motuer: Yes, dear. Stum Cuitp: Then why can't he get the addresses of the tenements from the churches that own them? ¥