Life — September 30, 1915 — page 31: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“MOTHER AND BABY DOING WELL” A Heartless Host “DERMIT me, sir.” He had glided into the office of the Secretary of War before the door- keeper could stop him. That gentle- man listened in spite of himself. “The present conflict in Europe can easily be prevented by what will shortly become known as the greatest inven- tion of the century. One moment, sir, and I will convince you that I am not a crank, but a genius of the highest order. Here, sir, is a cigar-shaped flying-machine, made of solid steel, im- penetrable to shells, with a speed of five hundred miles an hour, that floats in the air by means of my electrical invention.” “Floats in the air?” “Yes, sir. Like all great inventions, the idea is simplicity itself. All matter, as you know, consists of combinations of atoms, which are attracted toward the earth by the force of gravity. Treat those atoms, however, by an electric bath under my new process and the gravity is immediately drawn out of them. You press a button of the little electric appliance conveniently fastened on the inside of my steel flying-machine and its weight is gradually dissolved, enabling it at will to rise to any height. Not having any weight, by means of its turbine engines it can attain the most extraordinary speed, traveling a thousand miles on a gallon of gasoline. Dropping bombs at leisure, it can casily destroy a whole army in a few hours without danger. It is yours for a song.” “What song?” “One hundred dollars would start the thing going. “Good morning, sir.” “Say fifty.” “Good day, sir.” “Make it ten—five. Call it a dol- lar, Well, then, I'll tell you what I'll do. By riding on the trolley for ten hours I can reach a certain place where a capitalist is waiting for me with open arms. Twenty-five cents, sir, is my price.” The Secretary pointed silently to the door. And as the great inventor went out he whispered to the doorkeeper: “See that gentleman over there? Would you believe it, he is so lost to a sense of human sympathy, so utterly devoid of all humanity, that he actu- ally refuses to stop the European war for the small sum of a quarter of a dollar.” 619 But All Signs May Fail HE things that are to beat Mr. Wilson in next year’s election are multiplying. Colonel Watterson says the gov- ernment-owned shipping bill will do it if persisted in, Various persons, including Colonel Harvey (and the Tribune, says Colonel House), are dissatisfied with the Mex- ican policy, and look for that to him if it doesn’t perk up soon. Colonel Villard is opposed to arma- ment, and probably expects that to beat him if he goes into it. Colonel Roosevelt is sure unarma- ment should beat him, and will try to see that it does. The German-Americans think harsh- ly of him because he has no hyphen, and rooters for the Allies think meanly of him as a neutral. And then there’s Secretary Daniels! But all signs fail in a dry time, and at least this administration has been dry! Incompetent IRST EXCURSION STEAM- BOAT INSPECTOR: I'm going to fire that secretary of mine. Srcono E. S. I.: What's she been doing? “Why, I went around to inspect one of our largest excursion steamboats the other day, only to discover that she hadn’t notified ’em beforehand that I was coming.” DEFYING THE LAWS OF GRAVITATION comicbooks.com