Life — April 29, 1915 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

gy lb et Letters of a Japanese School-boy To Editor “ Life Illustrations” who feed all human races on buns of comical thought, R SIR:— Hon. Zero Kuroki, Japanese plumber, approach to me yestday and report for gladness in his eyesight, “Togo,” he say so, “in this depres- sion of business grief there shall not be any poverty for plumbers who shall get increased prosperity. Why is? Be- cause of Prohibition which make water more plenty, therefore plumbing more numerous.” “Congratulate!” I say it neglect- full; Yet I are slightly hopeless,” he narrate. “ For why should I set around enjoying nourishing water when Ger- many are starving?” “What you mean starving?” I re- quire with Perlmutter teeth. “T mean Christian Science eating.” This from him. “How could it?” he illuminate. “This morning I read by news print how Germans had stored away siffi- cient nourishment for keep them 7 years.” “Where they stored it?” I make defiance. “You are acquaintance with some Germans?” he ask out. “Tam = extreme friendship with Hon. Felix Nussbaum, intellectual butcher.” This from me. “You notice something peculiarity about his egotism?” That he said. “It are swelled around in front resembling Hon. Wm H. Taft,” I re- port baffably. “He are heavyweighted to nearly 4oo Ibs averduplus.” “Can't you not seen from that some- thing wise about German govern- ment?” require that celebrated lead- piper. “You are talking cubist,” I surro- Rate. “T tell you in plain Y. M. C. A,” he elucute. “Personality of Hon. Nussbaum are merely part of Ger- man campaign for conquor world. 22 Starving Germany “How Germans had stored away sifficient nourishment for keep them 7 years” years previous to now, when Emp of Germany wish make future battles, he say so, ‘We must store up sifficient nourishment for keep Germans con- siderable years while being besieged by England and other war correspond- ents. Therefore, we consult University of Limburger for see how can be done.’ With immediate quickness Hon. Kaiser elope to that important educa- tion for find out. Hon. Prof make baldheaded hair-rub for considerable think, then at lastly he report, ‘Ger- mans conquest of world must be personal matter to every Germans. Therefore. Food can be carried around more conveniently in fattish tissue than in wagons, Therefore. It are patriotic duty of entire Fatherland to make every patriot a storehouse containing sifficient carbo-hydrant of lard for keep him comfortable, even during Italian pro-German demonstra- tion in Dardanelles.” “Then Kaiser’s great conservation of food are not in German farms?” I negotiate economically. “No. In German forms,” are quick- fire report for him. “All Allies are now attempting to reduce Germany. How rapidly can this be accomplish? Japan, Italy, England, Switzerland, Belgium and other depressed powers soonly expect lay siege to city of Ham- burg. They surround them with boom-guns, bayonuts and threats, hop- ing thusly to surrender them. All in vainly. Germans are intellectual peo- ple, containing brains in their every bullet. For 21 1-3 years each citizen of Hamburg have been thinking patri- otically about starving for his country. What he been doing with extreme zeal of Samurai? Eating 9 meals daily where only one (1) were necessary. Consequence. Each Hamburger can meet crisis like man. By following statistic you will observe how Ham- burg will reduce before surrender: ist Year:—Average Hamburger weigh 329 Ibs without food and can still sing Deutchland Uber Allies. and year:—28 Ths average weight for those Germans who feel very bant but quite strong. 3rd Yr:—Now containing average of 247 Ibs, German militia of Hamburg 4th Yr:—Thin grey line of heroes, slightly longing for Hamburg steak, but happy in places, decide that meal of food in 1920 would feel like Ger- man victory, can still hold out until average drops to 180 Ibs, when they will resemble Belgians . . . “Ete,” report Hon. Zero Kuroki, making slight pause for intellect. “Go on a few more years,” I ac- knowledge. “To make short stories long,” he divuldge, “in 1922 each citizen of Hamburg are so boiled down that he average 156 Ibs. and cannot be recognized as German except by his talk, Every patriot of that hero town are determined to stand where he fell, until Gen. Kitchen, intelligent English feeder, think up something with bril-