Life — January 21, 1915 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

106 oo bs) Lo a Ted 'HERE was a man in the land of Osterbay, and his name was TED. And there was born unto him a great family of words, so that he had great store of talk; and there was nothing lacking of all the words that he used, neither of nouns nor verbs. And his substance also was seven thousand adjectives; so that this man was the greatest of all the men in the East. And it was so that TED sanctified them, and he rose up in the morning and offered burnt offerings according to the number of words he used, but particularly to the word Liar. For TED said it may be so that he who delivers the first blow Liar will secure the most delectable advertising privileges while his opponents will be drowned out. This did TED continually. Now, there was a day when the sons of the G. O. P. came to present themselves before the Lord, and the Bulmos came also among them; and they thought he was of their kind. And the Lord said unto Bulmos, Whence comest thou? Then Bulmos answered the Lord and said, From going to and fro in the earth and from walking up and down in it. And the Lord said unto the Bulmos, Hast thou con- sidered my servant TED that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and upright man, one that feareth the Standardoil and escheweth silence? Then Bulmos answered the Lord and said, Let me, pray, dally with him yet a little while and I will turn him from his party and send him into the wilderness, and Perkins and T. C. & I. shall plague him; and he shall be lyman- abbotted in the land of his fathers. And the Lord said unto Bulmos, Behold all that he hath is in thy power. So the Bulmos went forth and the party was split, and, behold, a great wind from the wilderness came and smote the four corners of the Progressives, and it fell upon the angels, each one of whom was backing himself for a place; so that TED smote his breast and said, I am up against it. Let darkness obscure me and oblivion encompass me, and may the World stop advertis- ing me and the Evening Post resent me no longer. For now I should have lain still and be quiet, I should have slept. Then had I been at rest with kings and counsellors of the earth which built desolate places for themselves. For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me. I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet, yet trouble came. Cuarter II. Then Elihu, the Corporite, answered and said: Behold, thou hast instructed many with words that are not so and has strengthened the weak hands. Thou shalt be hid from the scourge of the tongue; thou shalt live down thy hard-earned reputation for being only a politician and a demagogue and thine enemies shall be at peace with thee, But TED answered and said, I abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes. Then there came unto him his former brethren, the Taftites and the Cannonites and the Cabot- lodgeites and did eat bread with him in his own house, and they bemoaned him and comforted him over the evil that the Bulmos had brought upon him; every man gave him a piece of tariff money and every one an earring of gold. And TED said, No river of doubt shall oppress me, for I am gathered once more into my dear old G, O. P, And in all the land there was discovered no words so fair as the words of TED. T. L. AM. Sighted for a Moment UT of thirty-five members of the American Peace Committee to celebrate the hundredth anniversary of the Treaty of Ghent, seventeen were residents of New York. It was intended that the committee should receive and entertain some British visitors, but the war spoiled that. The committee, however, signed a “ state- ment” which brought to notice more names of New Yorkers than anyone has seen connected with any detail of national business since the South swung back into the saddle, with the West a-straddle behind. Who picked that committee, and how there came about this sudden revelation that New York is still in the Union, does not appear. For some purposes New York does seem to be in the Union still, though not, visibly, for government. “WON'T YOU HAVE A PLATE OF ICE CREAM, MISS HOG?” “T'VE HAD TWELVE ALREADY, MR. GOAT. DON’T YOU THINK A THIRTEENTH MIGHT BE UNLUCKY?” comichooks.eom