Life — January 21, 1915 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- On Life’s Wire O, Lire?” This is Lin “ This is Congress speak- ing.” “Glad you Congress. Have been wanting to congratulate you for a long time.” “On what, Lire? On the things I have accomplished?” “No.. On your tunity.” “What do you mean ‘glorious op- portunity ’?” “Can it be that you don’t realize the wonderful new influence that has come into your life, Congress?” “You mystify me, Lire. What can you be talking about?” “Hasn't it occurred to you that at last you have a President who treats you seriously, who assumes that you amount to something, who comes to you and addresses you personally as if you were composed of real, live men, capable of serious thought and con- structive industry, instead of mere ma- chine politicians capable only of ora- torical formulizing and underground wire-pulling?” “There may be something in what you say, Lire.” “Of course there is. All the Presi- dents of the past have been regularly addressing messages to you that con- tained no more spark of vitality than a copy-book motto. Perfunctorily written and perfunctorily sent over to you, you received them perfunctorily and did not listen while they were per- functorily read. But now you have a President who treats you as if you were grown up, entitled to wear long trousers and carry a latchkey. When a President.comes to you as man to man, and earnestly talks common sense, how can you fail to react in a manly, common-sensible way?” “ By Jove, Lire, you put my position to me in a brand-new light. Your words thrill me with a keener sense of responsibility and inspire me with loftier aims.” called up, glorious oppor- “Glad to hear it, Congress. Again we congratulate you. “Thank you very Good-bye.” “ Good-bye, much, Lire, Congress. And don’t forget. Now that you are grown to man’s estate, you must put away childish things.” The Unpsychological Moment HE news, as announced by former Senator Frank J. Cannon, that Mormons are going to build a tabernacle in New York, will be the received in various ways by various people. It is possible that the Mor- mons have an altruistic purpose in mind, and are doing this to reduce polygamy in the East. They might be a help here. We don't know, If they are going to start up here with the idea that they will act as an encouragement for any of us to sup- port a number of wives, we cannot but feel that they have selected an unpro- Pitious period. Nobody in this region, so far as we know, is anxious just at present to provide for any extra wives. Some of us are having considerable incon- venience supporting the one we have on hand. For even keeping one wife in these days is no bed of roses. Keeping a wife, indeed, in these times, in New York or immediate vicinity, is a precarious sport, and the pleasure of it is not in any way enhanced by the fact that it is only at occasional intervals you can catch a glimpse of her. Some- times, as you trudge manfully and humbly along the Avenue, trying to avoid making a noise like a man who is evading a creditor, you will see your wife as she passes in her auto. You may pass her also on the landing, or at a dinner-party to which—by some faux pas of the hostess—you have both been invited. But beyond this you only know about her from the expense of keeping her. If the Mormons think they can en- courage us to keep more than one invisible wife, we respectfully inform them they are barking up the wrong tree, THE LEANING TOWER To a Certain Jackass OvR advice to the Democratic emblem is to put on his reading- glasses and commit to memory these lines from the New York World: If Democrats are incapable of giving honest support to a President like Woodrow Wilson, he is the last Democratic President that this po- litical generation is likely to see, and the Democratic party will revert to its former position as a mere party of opposition. comichooks..