Life — August 13, 1914 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

To Editor “ Life Paper” who can man- ufacture laughter without wasting jokes, EAR SIR:— Quite recently of yore I were employed for price 1$ & % daily pay- ment at Oyama & Osaka, Japanese Groceries, where I did so. I worked the most serious of my muscles in cel- lar of that Food Co where I spent considerable pained hours enrolling barrels flour into wagons which was very uphill. While engaging myself to this task of toil long come one young American gentleman with enlarged ears and col- lege expression resembling Hon. Bride- groom Sayre. I continue to enroll barrels flour by considerable tired kicks. “Stop it!” he report with boss voice. I do so because I could not think why. “Togo,” he say so, “I have been mak- ing statistics on your uselessness. I find very alarmed intelligence from this. In enrolling one barrel flour from cellar 46 feet to uphill sidewalk, you makes 92 6/3 useless motions.” That gentleman set down and light cigarettes. “You work too hard,” he join on, folding his manicured feet. “T amy agreeable to that wisdom,” I snuggest taking set-down next by him. “Loan me a cigarette smoke and I shall stop all industry.” “Working classes is not sipposed to funigate their brains with tobacco,” he snib. “Let me tell you furthermore about your old-fashioned muscles. Kindly to please enroll another barrel to wagon while I eri aS I do so with perspired elbows. “In kicking that barrel you employ too many fingers,” he say it. “Both your thumbs should be at rest. You need not stick your tongue lopsided. You merely need use six vertebrates of your spine, one leg & 3 toes. You can knock barrel 46 feet by 2 kicks instead of eighteen. Thusly you waste 16 kicks which you might keep to yourself.” “Sipposingly you enroll this barrel peas! loa Letters of a Japanese School-boy Scientific Efficiency “ Togo—you work too hard” to sidewalk and show me how do, if you are such a professor of toi I reprieve with Emma Goldman eye- brows. “Oh, not to do!” he argue. “I am not payed 22$ daily to move actual barrels, All my muscles is in my brain. Tam an Efficiency Expert.” “ What are an Efficiency Expert?” I ask to know. “One who tells laboring’ workers how to do twice as much for the same pay.” This from him. “Iam less pleased to meet you,” I encroach peevly. “If you could set near me and tell how make twice pay for same work I should be more joyful to hear your language.” He could not assimilate the words I said it, so he depart off for tell some carpenters how they can nail two boxes with one hammer, At night time while I was teaching Cousin Nogi how play Mexican tunes on a Japanese banjo, I tell him about that Efficient Gentleman and speak scorn while doing so. “You should not be peev to think about him,” Nogi say so. “ He are the New Freedom in labor circles. U. S. Government are now employing Efi- ciency Experts in all departments so that everything will be done more fre- quently. In P. O. Dept Hon. Burleson makes post-office stamp letters without wasting motions. In Treasury Dept Hon. Mc Adoo compels minters to make more money and less fuss. And so forthly. Thusly all laborers work- ing for Government shall do consider- able for their pay without throwing away valuable motions.” “Are Efficiency Expert hired to watch Congress, maybe?” I snuggest. “T have not read of his name arriv- ing in Washington News,” Nogi ab- stract. “As usually!” I dib. “Everybody is worrying about plumbers, postmen, poets and paperhangers doing too less, but politicians can continue onwards burning words, time and money with nobody to scold them.” “They are employed for that pur- pose,” Nogi say it. “ Perhapsly,” I otter. “But think what could be if Hon. Efficiency Ex- pert were efficient! He would stand in Washington with pad-paper and make pencil statistics on what ‘is wasted. After 64 months continual thinking he would send in following report to Hon. Woodrow: Report or Wastep Motions 1n Concress “*During month January 11,- 222,468 words were wasted on Currency Bill alone. 2,000,000 of those words was thrown away re- buking Hon. Pierpont Morgan for belonging to trusts from which he could be coaxed to resign in 6 words, * 87,000,000 words was burned up telling Hon. Woodrow what to do with Mexico when that war have already been settled in State Dept. ‘Hon. Champ Clark have squan-