Life — July 23, 1914 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

If They Told the Truth (ANNOUNCEMENT: Mrs, Highbrow von Bunker announces that her school for young ladies turns out a finer brand of feminine prig than any other in the country. We make a specialty of teaching girls abso- lutely nothing of any possible use. If your girl isn't snobbish enough, send her here. Most of our teachers have been rejected by the public schools. We charge twice as much to veneer your girl as it is worth, and succeed in persuading a lot of parents not personally interested in their children that we are the real thing. Why not be one of these? Senator Bunkhead hereby takes pleasure in informing his friends and the public at large that he is not the intellectual giant which he appears to be. He has never been able to earn a living by working, and for years has been posing as a learned person, when in reality he is a profound ignoramus on most questions, and a_ political faker generally. St. Bagyem’s Hospital: Unpleasantly situated in a side street, almost entirely surrounded by three livery stables. Patients giving themselves into our charge may escape with their lives, but we take every precaution to prevent them from doing this. Our nurses are all male, and largely recruited from the prize-fighters’ ring. All canned food. No ice water after six p. M. Our staff of surgeons un- equalled for cruelty, cunning and carelessness. If you are tired of life, give us a chance to lay our hands upon you. Pesstleton’s Diluted Drug Store: We make a contin- uous and conscientious effort to palm off on the public the worst material we can buy, including artificial candy, cottonseed-oil, ice-cream soda and all kinds of impure adulterated drugs. You can get less for your money, here than anywhere else. Try our unimported tooth- brushes. Bristles literally drop out of them. Read the Daily Besmircher: No other metropolitan newspaper equals us in cheap and vulgar fiction and absolute disregard for truth. Buy it for a few weeks and have your mind polluted. Under complete dominance of financial interests. Scandals delight us. We stop at nothing to pander to the lowest tastes. Editors are subsi- dized. The whole atmosphere reeks with unwholesome- ness, Controlled by advertising. Special depravity pages for children, in which whole staff of naturally clever artists pervert their talents to our use. Get Lost at Binbinner’s: Largest, noisiest and most chaotic department store in the world. Caters specially to the unintelligence of the masses. We do an immense business in toys that drop apart, cracked and split stock- ings, glued furniture and faked Paris models. The greatest lack of system ever known for exchanging goods, or getting your accounts wrong. Horrible orchestra plays daily, | Bank department in charge of a retired Leadville gambler. We guarantee every article in the whole estab- lishment to be second-class. Banger's Café and Restaurant: The noisiest place in : THERE IS NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTE the world. Orchestras constantly relieving one another. Have your nerves shattered and your digestion ruined at a maximum cost. Our wine list a tissue of lies. Poor food disguised by crooked cooks and served by get-rich- quick waiters, Robbing comes hard to many. A pastime for us. The R. 0. T. & T. E.N.R.R. Co: The only railroad in the country absolutely controlled by Wall Street, others being only partly controlled. Roadbed getting worse every day. All wood cars, Accidents unavoidable. No money spent on improving the road for years. Run by politicians. Take your life in your hands and give us a chance to rob you. The General Mud; Excursion steamer leaves East River pier every morning at nine for daily excursion. Capacity one thousand, but never carries less than two thousand. No inspection for years. We sell sections of our fire hose to commuters for lawn-sprinklers, Engine breaks down every hour or so. The risk is all yours. New coat of paint this season conceals rotten hulk. Fully approved by authorities and ignored by papers. comicbooks.com