Life — July 23, 1914 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LITRE * “SAY, FELLERS! LOOK AT THE WAY FATTY’S GETTIN’ IN CON- DITION FOR THE GAME ON SATURDAY” Supremely Stated TH time is coming very shortly when we shall have to put our ex-Presidents under government control, Why not consider the matter calmly and judicially now, before party strife and passion warp our judgments, or the psychologists begin to advocate it? The first question to determine is whether the magazine articles, speeches, lectures and other activities of our ex- Presidents shall be construed as being under the public domain and such a necessity of the people as (in the words of the Supreme Court) will admit of no doubt that it might be so were the circumstances other than they are; to wit and namely, cither non volo, or habeas hocus pocus? In the decision handed down in Numbskull vs. Plan- tagenet, it was advocated, debated and asserted by the learned and unintelligent counsel that ex-Presidents are common carriers, and, non compos mentis or otherwise, as the case may be, must be so regarded. This would make them amenable to the Sherman act and the Hay-Pauncefote treaty, as being reasonable or not and subject to tolls of foreign countries other than those who might in casus belli paralyze us. It will thus be seen that under certiorari proceedings all ex-Presidents are plainly subject to the Interstate Com- merce provision which says, in effect, that boundary lines are to be measured from the nearest point of contact with the Standard Oil pipe lines, in such cases as are agreeable to said Standard Oil lines, provided, that no article appear- ing in any periodical, on any subject, for which nobody cares a whoop, shall excced in length a sum total, as com- puted in Rooseveltian linear English, of the aggregate esti- mate of ten thousand words, cord measure, calculated by the Taftian scale, unless otherwise specifically provided for. Furthermore, it is hereby expressly stipulated that where a foreign entry has been made, we are of the profound conviction that the Interstate rates governing ordinary matter and hot air should not be subjected to the extreme rigor of the law, except in cases and under conditions herein provided for, under the terms of the surrender, or by the party of the first part. It is important to note that all other articles, as opinions ‘on governmental, sociological, dietetic, legislative and other ragtime profundities, which the experience of the defend- ants in being Presidents have rendered them totally unfitted to write or talk about, shall come under the general lia- bilities and ad valorem scale rates as may be thought wise ; in which case a proviso, namely, that they be duly bound and gagged, be and is hereby inserted filius nullius, ex post facto, and, if necessary, donatio causa mortis. It being understood, however, that this is subject to change of pro- ceedings, in case we’ all sce double before morning. T. L. M. N'T he very old?” Oh, yes. Notice how feebly he dances.” FROM A PUBLIC CUP” “GO AHEAD, STRANGER, IT’S ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY USES IT”