Life — January 1, 1914 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“eh ARIE " The Sweet Young Thing: DOES FLYING REQUIRE ANY SPE- CIAL APPLICATION ? “OH, NO. ARNICA OR ALMOST ANY OLD KIND OF HORSE LINIMENT WILL DO! ialty will be marriage. Youngly persons will be selected carefully like Luther Burbank choose best potatoes for crop.” “Will this Hon. Eugene make some new marriage cere- mony?” I otter. “That have been arrange also,” she tell. “When 2 Eugeniuses wish get married following program will be enjoyed: “ Joy-bells will be jungled from tip-top of gymnasium where members of Board of Health will act as Ushers, admitting relatives after examining their tonsils. Talented vaudeville performers will play ‘Weddlesohn’s Mending March’ on Indian clubs while Bride & Bridebroom, weaz- ing Annit Kellerman bathing suits to show no deception has been concealed, will walk up aisle hand-in-hand with parents wearing rubber gloves. Bride must not blush, be- cause that are sign of weak heart and Bridebroom must not seem nervus, because that indicate tendency to allipeptic fits. After dumb-bell drill Rev. Preacher will step uply.” “What Rev. Preacher will do this ceremony?" I inquest. “Not sure,” she negotiate. “ Perhaps Rev. Billy Sunday might do, because of muscular religion.” “What shall this marriage service say?” is next ques- tion for me. “Tt say following dialog: Rev. Mr. » Do you love this woman? Bridebroom—No. Rev. Mr. Woman, you love this man? Bride—No. Rev. Mr. Good. You have no inherited instinct. You swear there is no fits, insanity or general ability in family? (They swear.) Then stick out tongues, please. That will do, thank you. I make you manandwife.” Miss Tessie Matsuki look to me reproachly when saying this. “What happen pretty soonly after marriage?” I snug- gest. “Baby,” she pronounce. “He are born perfect without a blamish or any other sign of humanity. He are gave perfectly balanced name like Sandow Socrates Shakespeare Scagg. In babyhood he are never kissed. In schoolday he are never spanked. In manhood he are never loved. And so he grow upward.” “What do he become, after so much exercise—a Con- gressman, perhapsly?” “How could he? Congressmans are noted for imper- fection.” “Then perhapsly he would be novelist or playright?” “ Ah never yet!” she snatch. “How could perfect Man be connected in trade with Jack London, Gus Thomas and other rough boys?” “Yet there might be some jobs for him. He could be machinery engineer of prominent greatness.” * “Not possibly!” she reject. “Should we permit such model gentleman to build subways for political scandals?” “But this Eugenics Baby must choose some activity of work. Shall he be too good for any profession when grown up?” “Indeed will!” she holla. “He will be a Father.” “Father of what?” I require with alarmed teeth. “Of children similar to himself.” “Miss Tessie Matsuki,” I denominate punctually while choosing my hat from table, “excuse my escape. I wish for search out some young lady who will prove her unfit- ness to marry by falling in love. Please excuse!” “Uncivilized brain!" she snarrel. “Go forthly! Such depraved minds like yours drive tacks into the feet of Science when he try to progress. And yet the world do move, in spite of Tammany Hall.” “Tammany Hall also move occasionally,” I corrode with Fusion expression. So I elope away full of low character. Hoping you are the same Yours truly Hasuimura Toco. (Per Wallace Irwin.) THE UP-TO-DATE VENUS DE MILO GOWN comicbooks.com