Life — December 18, 1913 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

1106 “Life” By Hew Trill, with sincere apologies to A. L. Barbauld. (Lines addressed by a voyager, on his arrival in New York harbor, to an ancient copy of Lire which he is leav- ing on shipboard.) IFE! I know not whose thou art; But know I've learned your jokes by heart, For I was sick; but, when we met, You made me laugh—and make me yet. Lire! We've been long together, Through pleasant and through squeam- ish weather. ‘Tis hard to part, for very dear Have grown your faces, sweet and queer. But, Friend, go back and, without warning Finish thy mission: Cheer more sick folk, and, in a new edition, Bid me “Good morning.” “1 WISH PEOPLE WOULDN'T GIVE CUMBERSOME PRE! sucH ENTS.” Life’s Christmas Box Contains A MULTIPLEX TALKAPHONE for Secretary Bryan, enabling him to sit at his desk at Washington and address sixty-seven Chautauquas and seventeen straw- berry festivals, all at once, without getting off his job. A Padded Brick for Mrs. Pankhurst, warranted to break any old kind of a plate-glass window, or knock off a Premier’s hat without damage of any kind to the brick. To be fastened to the wrist with an elastic band causing it to return immediately to the hand of the thrower. A Maxim Silencer for our highly esteemed Vice-Presi- dent, so constructed that it will enable him to talk to his heart's content without anybody hearing what he says. A Portable Collapsible Dark-Room to be carried in a suit-case for William Travers Jerome, by using which with due care he will be able to play poker anywhere in the Dominion of Canada without danger of arrest. A Concrete Hole for Charles Francis Murphy, big enough for him to crawl into, and constructed like a tele- scope so that once he is inside, he can pull the hole in after him. A Pair of Sound-Proof Ear-Tabs for Secretary McAdoo, by wearing which he may travel anywhere on Wall Street without having to hear what the financial in- terests upon that Gay White Way think of the economic policies of the administration. A Pair of Safety-Caps for the Kaiser, to wear on the pointed ends of his moustache so that when he lies down to take a nap there will be no danger of their sticking in his eye. A Small Portable Stove for our Ambassadors, affording them 2 convenient instrument for the easy burning of that portion of their official salaries left over after the house- rent has been paid. A New Patent Instantaneous Smell Eradicator for each of the theatrical managers of New York, which, upon be- ing installed suitably, will keep their theatres as sweet and clean as a fresh young orphan asylum, no matter how mephitic the character of the plays produced therein. A Minifying Glass for George Bernard Shaw, by look- ing through which the innate stupidity of the average Briton, and the crass ignorance of the average American, will appear less acute to his sympathetic eye. A Fountain-Pen guaranteed not to write more than twenty thousand words a day, for Robert W. Chambers, together with a special absorbent blotter warranted to eradicate half of them. A Miniature Gasolene Engine for District Attorney Whitman, which, when secreted in cither sleeve, will give more power to his elbow. An Asbestos Thorax for Governor Coals S. Blease of South Carolina, by using which he will be able to swallow his own words without singeing his throat. comicbooks.com