Life, 1913-12-04 · page 99 of 112
Life — December 4, 1913 — page 99: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page is primarily **advertising**, not political satire. The main content consists of three advertisements: 1. **Williams & Humberts Dry Sack Sherry** — a Spanish wine ad 2. **Borland Electric Coupe** — an early electric automobile marketed as convenient holiday shopping transportation 3. **My Beauty Exercises** — a beauty treatment advertisement The text column contains a humorous narrative (likely fiction) about a character named Schmalz who chokes on lobster salad while listening to ragtime music in a restaurant. The story's payoff is ironic: he's revived when the orchestra switches to Chopin's Funeral March—a somber piece ironically played whenever restaurant patrons die. The satire targets ragtime's frantic, "chaotic" rhythms versus classical music's orderliness. The electric car ad emphasizes comfort and practicality for holiday shopping—reflecting 1920s consumer culture and the novelty of electric vehicles as convenient urban transportation.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
© WILLIAMS&HUMBERTS DRY SACK (SHERRY) The old-fashioned Sherry in the old-fashioned bottle BOTTLED IN SPAIN 1d by the best dealers, grocers and stores Case of twelve bottles, $17.50. J Per boitle, $1.50 rhythmical gulps exactly corresponding to the heavy chords of the music, re- covering his breath during the quicter passages. By this time I was serious- ly alarmed, and with reason. The climax came during the lobster-salad. Schmalz, taking advantage of a lull in the music, had crammed his mouth full of his favorite delicacy. Then, when he was at their mercy, those fiendish musicians suddenly launched into the raggedest of modern rags. It was a tune beyond all the laws of conven- tional rhythm. It started with a headlong rush, then doubled on its tracks, twisted itself into a knot, snapped out straight again, and con- tinued thus through every rhythmical contortion known to man, Schmalz made a desperate effort. His jaws Five-passen- , Either front worked convulsively for a moment. ger coupe. CBG, Seeeas Then a terrible expression of agony $2,900 seat drive came into his features. His face turned purple and I could see that the ragtime was choking him to death. With a Cozy comfort for holiday shopping SPECIALLY now, at the gift-giving season, this roomy, easy-riding Borland Electric Coupe would be delightfully convenient for you. Snug as a well-furnished room in your home—softly cushioned seats for five passengers, with knee space for all. VElectric Chill under-draughts cannot enter 5-passenger coupe body; left-side drive through the floor—an exclusively from cither front or rear seat; six speeds = ~ Borland Electric arrangement of the rwardand threereverse. Regular equip- foot brake levers prevents this. Every. mentincludes:** Exide ’’ batteries; stan- regard for your convenience predomin- dard makes of cushion or special pneu- ates—even to the sashless, clear-vision matic electric tires. Price, equipped windows—easy to open and close. ready for service, $2,900, May we send the Borland Electric Poster Book to you? Send your name and address. The Borland-Grannis Company 312 East Huron Street CHICAGO 174 horrible rattling in his throat he sank similar to that of artificial respiration slowly to the ground and lay still. To all appearances Schmalz had breathed eyes. He breathed again and his jaws MY BEAUTY EXERCISES Will make you look Younger and More Beauti- {ul than all the external treatments you might use on a drowning man. He opened his for a lifetime. My Exercises remove wrinkles and lines, draw up sagging muscles, eradicate signs of age, and make the complexion fresh as in girlhood—without massage, vibration, plasters, or any drugs or appliances whatever—Just Nature's Way. 1 teach you a method for life, I have taught this method for thirteen years and have women of international prominence among m s Also Young Faces can be beautifully rounded and ollows in the neck can be positively filled in, while the skin becomes clearer and exquisite i brought to the cheeks and lips Without Ce his last. And then a strange thing happened. By a lucky chance we were in one of those restaurants where Chopin's Fun- eral March is played whenever a patron dies during a meal. The orchestra play- ers had seen my friend fall, and with one accord they changed to the solemn strains and regular rhythm of the fam- hegan to work calmly and regularly I helped him to his feet, and in a series of slow, halting steps we reached the door. Luckily the march continued until we were well outside, Schmelz drew a long breath, then flung his arms around my neck and kissed me. We were safe—safe under the tracks of the Elevated—where no music on earth has peal icomicbooksseom