Life — December 4, 1913 — page 59: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

From the Mail-box of Santa Claus (Santa Claus having mailed a circular letter to various individuals of prominence throughout the world asking for suggestions tending to promote a more Efficient Christmas has received, to date, the following answers. Washington, D. C., Dec. 1, 1913. ERE sandy clors: iam a littel boy only fifty-fore yeers old who finds it verry diffycult to live on his sallery, Coodn’t you do sum- thing to increese my sallery so’s that i can live on it with- out having to tutch my coin collection of witch i am verry fond of? i am the same littel boy witch ast you three times to give him the wite house and you nevver gave it to me so this time i am hoping you will give me what i ast for. Yours tooly Witur Bryan. ee Buenos Aires, Argentina, Nov. 15, 1913. Hon. S. Claus. Dear Sir: In the midst of much irritating mail I find your circular letter of recent date requesting information as to what I'd like for Christmas. After thinking the matter over with considerable care for a minute or two I beg to say that if you can get me one full column of space on the front page of all the newspapers of the United States every day for the next three years I'll take care of my Christmases myself. Very truly yours, Tueopore Roosevett. ee Portland, M OV. 30, 1913. My dear Mr. Claus: Don't bother about giving me anything for Christmas, but if you happen to have a nice juicy avalanche on hand drop it on Dr. Cook with my compliments. Sorry not to have seen you on my trip North. Yours ever, Ronert E. Peary. ee Boston, Mass., Dec. 2, 1913. My dear Col. Claus: I don’t know of anything I need especially for Christ- mas, unless you can put a new Party in my sock. I've about used up all the old ones, and I haven't been able to find another that exactly fits me. Faithfully yours, Evcene N, Foss. e. Headquarters of the I. W. W. in America. December First, 1913. Sir: Your impertinent circular of recent date is received. Why should you give me anything? Are you not aware that everything in the world from tle polar regions to the centre of gravity belongs to me and to mine already by a tight wrested from us by an iniquitous capitalism? If your policy is to be frankly and fully one of restoration all well and good, only say so and let the facts be definitely understood. We accept no gifts from you or anyone else, but when the time comes we shall take what belongs to us without ing for it. With supreme contempt, W. D. Haywoop. es Isle of Man, Dec. 2, 1913. Dear Si Your surprising suggestion that you wish to make Christmas more Efficient for me has just been forwarded to Gloomster Abbey from my London office. That you should wish to give me something that would make me happy is of course highly appreciated, but I hasten to in- form you that any gift that would instill sunshine in my soul would hardly be welcome, and could not possibly prove efficient in my particular case. It amazes me that you should not have noticed that gloom is my long suit, and that even the briefest moment of cheer would destroy my professional standing as the leading purveyor of liter- ary woe of the day. If any name were ever to be blown in the bottle of Murk as evidence of the standard quality crious effects upon the human mind, whose else Therefore I beg of you do not of its del would it be but mine? for one moment even think of sending me anything that would relieve the unmitigated inkiness of my outlook. Receiving as I do ten cents a word for my present product I could not really afford the egregious losses that would inevitably ensue upon a single moment of joy. Yours very truly, Hatt Can es Tarrytown, N. Y., Dec. 2, 1913. Good Lord, old man, don’t give me anything! On my bended knee I beg this boon. With a thousand assistants working twenty-four hours a day I can't give away half of what I've got already. Verb. Sap. Ever yours, Joun D. Rocxeretrer, London, Dec. 1, 1913. You Poor Old Fakir: I have your preposterous circular communication. Why try to inflict Happiness or Efficiency upon a world w lowing with supreme content in Infelicity and Incom- petence? It can’t be done. Nobody can do it. You can't do it. Even I can’t do it! So why should you make the effort? Take my advice and get a useful job of some kind