Life, 1913-12-04 · page 29 of 112
Life — December 4, 1913 — page 29: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous "alphabet" poem satirizing the impracticality of typical bachelor Christmas gifts in early 20th-century America. The accompanying illustration shows a store counter scene where a man (presumably a bachelor) receives unwanted presents. The joke is that each gift—from ash trays to zephyr mufflers—is either useless, poorly chosen, or actively unpleasant. Examples include a "desk clock that's warranted never to run," a razor "nobody could use," and ties "setting on edge all your teeth." The satire targets both gift-givers' poor judgment and the commercialism of Christmas shopping. The title "A Little Investment of His Own" suggests bachelors must spend money on inferior gifts to maintain social obligations, making Christmas an expensive burden rather than a genuine expression of care. Author Carolyn Wells was a well-known American humorist, making this likely a lighthearted social commentary on holiday consumption and bachelor life.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
DECEMBER THE TWENTY-FOURTH A LITTLE INVESTMENT OF HIS OWN Alphabet of a Bachelor’s Christmas Gifts Ash trays of metal and lacquer and paste. Belts that would circle an elephant’s waist. Collar-box, lilac silk, hand-painted one. Desk clock, that’s warranted never to run, Eyeglass case, heavy and over-ornate. Fountain pen, one of the earliest date. Gloves, of unwearable sizes and shades. Handkerchiefs, dubious patterns and grades, Inkstand, of hideous, freakish design. not meant to be used, I opine. Knitted ties, setting on edge all your teeth, Library shears, in a clumsy brass sheath. Match-safe, for pocket use, made of bright zinc. Nail-file with celluloid handle, pale pink. Opera glasses of mother-of-pearl. Paper-weight, glass-covered picture of girl. Quilted house jacket of flamboyant hues, Razor, the sort that nobody could use. Smoking set, by a crafts maniac built. Tobacco-bag, made of burnt leather and gilt. Umbrella, nigh-silk, with handle bedecked. Vest Buttons, art nouveau, flashy effect. Watch fob, an antique, as ugly as sin. Npensive boxes to keep rubbish in. Year Book, and Diary and Calendar Pad. Zephyr knit muffler, or something as bad! Carolyn Wells,