Life — November 13, 1913 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FOOTBALL NOTE LINE WAS BROKEN BY BUCK” “THE A CROSS On Life’s Wire < ELLO. Is that Lire?” “Yes. This is Lire.” “Republi- can Party speak- ing.” “What! We You! heard you werent expected to live.” “Never mind about that, Lire. J’: b bretty poorly, but you must re- member I had a wonderful constitu- tion to fall back on. What I called up about, however, is this Bryan matter. Isn't it humiliating?” “ Humiliating?” “Yes, after all the trouble I have taken in the past to bring the country up to a high degree of dignity and courtliness, to give it the proper tone and teach tt correct manners, to make it a world power in appearance as well as in fact and fit to associate with royalty. Look at the statistics!’ Dur- ing my various administrations the ex- portation of heiresses to meet the de- mand of foreign nobility was uniform- ly flourishing. But now Bryan comes along with his yodlers and jugglers and—ugh! It's too disgusting to taik about.” “Of course you are referring to his going about making speeches for pay.” “Yes, and neglecting his business at Washington.” “That is to say, your long-standing confidence in Mr. Bryan is such that if he stayed in his office all the time, the things he did would undoubtedly suit you toa T.” SL BAE “Well, ah, to make an assertion as broad as that, Lire, would be, ah—” “The only fly in your ointment is that Mr. Bryan doesn’t stay home and do the things which, if you were do- ing them yourself, you would do en- tirely differently.” “Now don't misunderstand me, Lire. In considering this matter it is necessary to make some important distinctions. It isn’t that I object to traveling. Indeed, I think the country would be better off if President Wil- son traveled more—if he went away and left matters to those wise and patriotic gentlemen to whom Ged in his infinite wisdom has entrusted the lobbying business of the nation, No; it isn't that. You remember I used to set aside for President Roosevelt's traveling expenses $25,000 a year, which I later made a part of the Pres- ident’s salary. And even then the Pennsylvania Railroad claimed he went out of office owing them a whacking big bill. And President Taft. Well, you know about him. He used the earth as a merry-go-round merely to keep from getting too thin. T always did claim that travel was broadening. So you see, Lire—" our criticism of Mr. Bryan, then, is entirely on the merits of the case and is absolutely unprejudiced and un- selfish.” “Oh, yes, Lire, absolutely so.” “And you are thinking only of the welfare of the country, as usual.” “ As usual.” “Under those circumstances, of course, the least we can do is to weigh your words carefully and reach a con- clusion in strict conformity with the law and the facts.” “That's all I can ask, Lire. bye” “Good-bye, G. O. P. We shall con- tinue to hope for your +steady con- valesence.” Good- E. 0. J. Not Always “WHat are an American's first words on returning from Europe?” “Well, I declare!” A THE(ODORE) DANSANT Standards of Value A RECENT decision of a Supreme Court jury in New York State fixed the value of an interlocutor in a minstrel show at $1,065.42. This gentleman was killed in a railroad accident. The interest on this sum at five per cent., roughly speaking, is $50 a year. It 4s, therefore, interesting to learn that there can be a kind of standard value fixed to the life of a public en- tertainer. The decision seems to be fair, as we think it is generally conceded that the end man in a minstrel show has a certain value. He can probably make us forget our troubles occasionally, and is entitled to be worth at least $30 a year. But on this basis, how much is an after-dinner speaker worth? Or, to put it another way, how much should we be willing to pay any railroad to run over one? Is Latin a Dead Language ? TAxco Tangere Turki Trotum. comicbooks.com