Life — November 13, 1913 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

To Editor “Life Maga- sine” containing Orson Lowell & other frolicks, EAR MR. PRINT- ER:— My cousin Nogi, who contains considerable elec- tricity in his bright mind, approach up to me yester- day and require, “Togo,” he say thus, “are it not great blessed for America that Hon. Congress called Hon. Tariff down where he belong?” I await your answer to that re- I snuggest. It are considerable rejoicing,” re- port Nogi, “ for everybody would enjoy sorrow of stomach to have them Schedule remain upwards when all wish him come downwards.” “Do all persons wish Tariff shrunk?” I negotiate disagreeably like a divorce. “O surely do!” he holla. “Mbybe I read some other papers from you,” I oblate. “From what I observed in Tariff news, all Senators acted just like other fat ladies—they could reduce if they would leave off something they love best. One Senator was willing to rebuke Wool, but refuse to neglect Sugar, which have fattened him continuously for years. Others would snub Beef, but they must cherish Cod Fish because it are con- sidered an ancestor in Massachusetts. And so onwards. By Congressional Record I read how Rep. Howl of Sac- ramento decry, ‘Remove, O remove from common people of America those ad valorem chains of protected steel, platinum, pig-iron, alimony and un- carded tar (mentioned in Schedule Q. section 13); but let no traitor hand remove I precious % from the fig, the lemon and the prune which gave no- bility to my California!’ (Tears en- joyed by all.) Nextly uprise Hon. Congressman from Pittsburg. ‘Hark up to that nonsense!’ he say so, ‘ What an “ERROR * Letters of a Japanese School-boy Should the Tariff Be Reduced Downward or Upward? has the lemon ever did for patriotism or the prune for warfare? Nothing or less! But shall Pittsburg, O my Pittsburg, be neglected for the fig, the lemon and the prune? I answer con- tinuously, No!! I come here to fight for home & hardware. Our battle- ships would refuse to float if made of Swedish steel; Italian pig-iron shall never be fired from our cannon and German glue shall never hold Old Glory to his masthead. Reduce, if you will, a million lemons and strike the prune from the records of man- kind, but should you harm one hair upon the pig-iron of my home, I shall drop my ears in shame & never once return to U. S. Steel Corporation what sent me here.’ (Sensations.) “Tariff are similar like other breeds of selfishness,” I tell Nogi for con- tinuation of this Chautauqua education, “Persons in New Orleans feels con- siderable patriotic & self-sacrificial when it come to reducing baked beans, which they do not grow; but thought of impoverishing sugar to save Dem- ocratic Party make them mad like eagles. Boston feel like this, only vice versa. It are thusly with everybody— they are entirely reckless about reduc- ing the price of something what belong to someone else.” “You talk disgusting like a Payne POWER Aldrich,” dib Nogi peevly. “ Will not pants & other style be cheaper now that wool was called down? When that should happen I can accumulate for 11$ some suit of clothes what I now must pay 13.60$ for.” “What benefat would that be to you?" Task to know with Bernard Shaw eyebrows. “If every Tom, Hick & Darry can purchase style for 11$. stylishness will go out of fashion. Nogi, you should learn something. We do not wear clothing to cover our nudes from publicity. We wear them to make our prides feel more high up. Therefore——” “Tf sifficiently reduced that 11$ suit would be just as good as if it cost 30$,” Nogi reciprocate. “How foolishness!” This from me. “A suit what co: are never so good like a suit what cost more, be- cause it contains less pride. You could not feel entirely covered by clothes whose cheapness seem modest.” Nogi answer by saying nothing. “And what will be the use of mat- rimony,” I say off, “if low-llown cost of Tariff makes everything economy? What Newportess would care to marry a Duke if Hon. Hearstpaper should come out next day with follow- ing report of Low Tariff Wedding? “After the ceremony Lord Nothingmore drank 3c. worth of champain and tipped the clergyman $4.” comicbooks.com