Life — October 30, 1913 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“eb PEs On Life’s Wire nD" “JELLO. Li “Yes, “This is the Tarif} speaking.” “Ah, ha! It's you, is it? we've got you this time!” “Got me, ch? I'm not so sure of that.” “Not so sure of it? Don't you feel pretty well knocked out?” “Far from it. Outside of a slight headache I never felt better in my life.” “Fie for shame, Tariff! Do you think it right to act that way?” What way?” “You shouldn't be so cantankerous toward a perfectly good national ad- ministration which is trying its very hest to do the right thing.” “Oh, Lire, you make me laugh. You didn’t think they were going to settle me, did you?” “Well, perhaps not to say definitely and finally settle you, Tariff, but——” “Come! Come! Don’t tell me you thought I could be settled in that dear old-fashioned, old-fogyish, old-maidish y of juggling and tinkering with the schedules: now a little up with this one after a deal of oratory and now a little down with that one after a deal more of oratory? Did you really, Lire?” “Um—ah—” “Here, Live, no side-stepping. or no?” “Well, then, yes, if we must answer. Is there any other way of settling you?” “There certainly is. And if you'll promise not to breathe it to a living soul, I'll give you a hint, Will you Well, Yes promise? You know it would be my finish if it ever got out.” “We solemnly promise on our word of whatever honor our blindest friends credit us with.” “IT believe I can trust you, Lire Well, then, the only solution to myself is to close-all the custom-houses and discharge all the customs collectors.” “Close ‘the custom-houses!” “Yes, or turn them into school- houses or put them to some other use- ful purpose. There is no more reason for a custom-house between the United States and Canada, or between the United States and any other country, than for one between Penn- sylvania and New York. poh “If that’s the solution, Tariff, you are certainly safe. It would be so un- precedented. Surely you are joking Why, how would we raise revenues with which to run the government?” “ That's another matter entirely, but T assure you there are plenty of ways one of which is better than raising revenues by import duties.” “So sorry you called up, Tariff. It is exceedingly annoying to have to think about such an old subject in such a new way.” “That's the reason I’m safe from the politicians, Lire. They absolutely refuse to think about old subjects in new ways. That's why we have so many old subjects. But, remember, mum's the word.” “Mum it is.” HALLOWE'EN IF, WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE, YOU HOLD A MIRROR IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU WILL SEE OVER YOUR LEFT SHOULDER YOUR FUTURE I1US- BANDS IN PROPER ORDER. “WHO SAlp ‘Lopny'?” A Problem in Roosters GOOD rooster—one who retires regularly in the evening and knows how to behave himself hand- somely in the daytime—is more to be desired than much fine gold. And nearly*as rare, Nothing is harder to find—when you really want him—than a good rooster with an even tempera- ment, unflustered at trifles, who prac- tices his morning crow at precisely the same moment every day, and who spends his time looking up choice morsels of nourishment for the ladies of his houschold. But why is it that when you have purchased with good money an eighty- dollar, forty-hen-power incubator that runs night and day with hot air, and have placed therein all the eggs it will hold—why is it that when those eggs are hatched, nine-tenths of them will be roosters? Spug GFLECTING safely and sanely. Practicing proper presenting. Urging united usefulness. Guarding 'gainst gaudy gewgaws. “DOESN'T she dress in the latest style?” “ She did up to yesterday afternoon.” comicbooks.com