Life — August 7, 1913 — page 32: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AS VAS The Gnat and the Gnu “ How absurd,” said the gnat to the gnu, “To spell your queer name as you do!” “For the matter of that,” Said the gnu to the gnat, “That's just how I fecl about you.” —Oliver Herford in Century. An Optimist’s Epitaph The Carlsbad invalid has ordinarily a surprisingly robust appearance. He looks strong—scoffers say he has to be, to live through the rigors of the cure. A serious tribute has already been paid to the virtues of Carlsbad waters, so it thay be permissible to quote the anec- dotes of the light-minded. There is an apocryphal legend of an epitaph in a Carlsbad churchyard : T was well. I hoped to be better. Here I am! —Horper's. Tne Englishman was attending his first ball pame, He seemed very uneasy after the fifth inning and finally said to his American friend : “TI say, old chap, when do they serve the tea?” “They don't serv» tea at a ball game?" laughed the American. “No tea between innings,” gasped the Englishman. “Then what's the object of the blooming game? "—Argonaut. GREAT BEAR SPRING WATER | my body and mind. Cork Clips or Plain | Brainy F ‘oods vs. Stimulants “Twas going to perdition through eating wrong foods, which produced morbid cravings of all kinds. I used to begin my day by taking stimulants to get through mny responsible work, and end It with narcotics, All wlll power gon teking brainy foods, I feel atisfed and happy. Tam ablo to control Brainy foods [ican meats, green vege- tables, frults, ete.), when correctly combined and proportioned, produce a fecling of physical and mental well-being with in domitable will power. Deficiency or excess of certain foods causes dierent disca diseases are specified in Gop Taweten, Pood Expert, Dept wey Washington, De C. ‘MOST LOVABLE CRANK y Of Graccdon hy seri preteen. Rol of Soares 6 our William J. 3 oe Fo oO owl “Rac FIN Pl Sl peice.) Send for esate wcoren Bice Sy errs us 166 Peart 8, New York| Of Two Evils The little boy in this story from Touche & Tout was evidently a firm be- liever in the old adage, “Of two evils choose the less." Turning a corner at full speed he collided with the minister. “Where are you running to, my little man?" asked the minister, when he had regained his breath, “Home!” panted the boy. ing to spank me.” “What!” gasped the astonished min- ister. “Are you eager to have .your mother spank you that you run home so fast?” “No,” shouted the boy over his shoulder as he resumed his homeward flight, “but if I don’t get there before pa, he'll do it!”"_Youth’s Companion, “Ma's go- “THIS HORRID HOUSE TRIES TO FLIRT WITH ME EVERY TIME I Pass.” Building a Story “How about that dialect story of yours?" asked the impatient editor. “Coming right along, sie," replied Mr. Penwiggle. “I have all the punctuation marks written and it won't take me more than half an hour to fill in the letters.” —Washington Star. nful of Abbott's Bitters with your Grape Fruit rpakee an Veal ap} izing tone, Sample oft Bites By mail Bein in stampa CW. Abbot & Tue old lady from the country and her small son were driving to town whea a huge automobile bore down upon them. The horse was badly frightened and began to prance, whereupon the old lady leaped down and waved wildly to the chauffeur, screaming at the top of her voice. The chauffeur stopped the car and offered to help get the horse past. “That's all right,” said the boy, who remained composedly in the carriage, “I can manage the horse. You just lead mother past."—Our Animals. PARIS GARTERS Mom A touch you 25e—50c Thin hose stay up ,better if you wear DOUBLE GRIP PARIS GARTERS ‘No metal can touch you Don’t be satisfied with anything but the best costs no more. The name Paris is stamped on the back of the shield for your protection. A. Stein & Co., Makers comicbooks.com