Life — July 10, 1913 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Fal) cs “EBENEZER, ARE THOSE YOUR TEETH I HEAR CHATTERING?” aviations Hon. Ball commence climbing downwards while all 99,772 American persons held their breath in their laps. Downly and yet more downly came Hon. Ball. One tallish base-gentleman rosh outward & got under where Hon. Ball was dropping with speeds. “T got!” he holla expectfully. Splashes!!! Hon. Ball devolve into his hands, yet bounce through his thumbs with expression of wet milk . while all Grey Pants team stood cursing without feet. “His wrists contain butter!" shout 100,000 assembly voices while 6 Hon. Green Legs continue eloping around base-bags in circles. “From what are they running from so scaredly?” I ask to know from Hon. Fat who were enlarging him- self with peanuts. “Hon. Green Sox has now thumped Hon Desperadoes four pills to the boneyard,” he explain with chews. “ Two pitchers has blowed up with loud bango while one has been slugged to death while MacGorgoyle stole several bags thusly paralyzing Hon. 1st Bass like a cripple while Hon. Short Stop lose eyesight and could not see balloons. And Hon. Umpirer are a species of poisoned spider, as usual.” “What bullfight would permit such brutality?” I re- quire for shooks. “T shall worry,” negotiate Hon. Fat. Mr. itor, after I spend my fifty (50) ¢. price to see that atheletix, I require to know how Americans gets strong from outdoor sport, except in lung from saying “Ow!” with homerunning expression? It were easily to observe how 18 Grey Pants & Green Sox gentlemen might become strong & huscular by continual fly-catch, ball-stroke and elbow-slide the way I seen it. But how should those 99,982 remainders who sat sedatively in seats exercise the biceps of their legs, thusly making heroism? Do it harden their knees and knuckles merely to watch it? Can they obtain physical culture through their eyes? May- be they grow tall by kneck-stretch while watching base- ball bull-boards in front of news-print offices. Perhaps peanuts has a widening effect on their chests; for I ob- serve that famous American beverage being ate by all fanning enthusiasts. If largeness of statuary can thusly: be easily increased by Japanese, I shall telephone to Hon. Mikado to do so at oncely, so that all Samurai boys can become sifficiently thick and high to defeat California in the next battle of Los Angeles. So I shall telephone Hon. Mikado: “Old fashion kind of exercise are deliciously no good. Game of jiu jitsu and tennis-bounce are entirely second- hand; for why should Hon. Athelete die by fatigue while making himself strong? Baseballing are the date-to-up game to develup persons, for all folks has to do is to hire 11 talented runners to do their exercise for them.” K. Furo, painless undertaker, make following joke- thought which sound delicious in Japanese: “© surely America are the most alarmingly unscientific of all uncivilized Nations!” Hoping you are the same. Yours truly, Hasuimura Toco. (Per Wallace Irwin.) All Precautions Taken “TS the young man all right, who is going to marry your daughter?” “T have every reason to believe so. He has been audited by the audit company, assayed by the local chemist, tested by the state bacteriologist, certified by the genealogist, and appraised by the medical and surgical staff of the county hospital.” TYPOGRAPHICALLY SPEAKING A LARGE HEADPIECE AND AN EXTENDEL FACE. comicbooks.com