Life — May 29, 1913 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘Lb TRE* A Letter from a Japanese Schoolboy Why Should Japan Be Pushed Off from California? By Wattace Irwin To Editor “Life Paper,” who oftenly act very fearless while attempting to accomplish humors: Dearest Sir: I write you this writing on behavior of my cousin, Frank Ichisuzi, who are a jayseed Japanese growing mort- gaged potatoes on a farm near Sacramento which is here in California. Cousin Ichisuzi got merely a half (1%) portion of land, yet Cousin Ichisuzi love it dearly because of bilding & loan and other sweet associations. Also he grow beans and pay Hon. Mike Garroty, prominent Swede, 66$ cash money on advancement. Seval years of yore Cousin Ichisuzi find this land en- tirely weedful and in a vegetableless condition. To-day it are full of wealthy sprouts so American gentleman get jalous & look over fence making Geo M. Cohan language about inferior qualities of Japanese. My cousin Frank Ichisuzi make no attention to this until of recently when he become suprised. For what did Hon. * California Congress accomplish that morning with de- licious suddenness? It met. It come together with peeved expression peculiar to patriots and exclam in unicorn, “Foreign ownership of land must cease doing so!” Me & Cousin Ichisuzi was pleased to hear this, because we are disgusted with foreigners, especially Portugeese who steals. But when Hon. California Congress say more about that Land Law we grow calm but nervus. Considerable legis- lature begin to revolve in Sacramento. Pretty soonly Com- mittee of following Senators collided together in secret meeting: Hon. Senator Eidel fritz. : Gambetta. Hoolahan. Steffanssen. Silverburg. Purpose of that meeting were question “What Is a Foreigner?” Hon. Senator Silverburg make report, “Irishers, Swedes, Germany and Italy cannot be Foreigners because many of them expects to come to America before they are born. Jewish gentlemen cannot be Foreigners because nearly all American flags is being manufactured by them to-day. Who, then, must we send off from California be- cause of alian birth?” “Japanese!” holla all Senators together like chorus girls. Me & Cousin Ichisuzi hear this with hypnotized feet. “Are it not sifficiently difficult job to make money on farm without legislature walking all over it?” we ask to know. No reply from Gov. Johnson who set stationary in Sacramento. Me & Cousin Ichisuzi enjoy suicide thoughts and was sharpening tableware to do so when something else happen. We learn this from Washington news-print. When Hon. Rev. Mr. Resfily Dr Viscount Chinda, Embassy from Japan, hear that enraged report from California he put on his medals, go see Hon. Pres Wilson and declare war. So Hon. Wilson call Hon. Bryan to declare peace. “Hon. Wm Jenny,” corrode Hon. Pres, “ please kindly to put on Bull Moose uniform and make immediate scam- per to California where Hon. Hi Johnson is now emperor. Tell him if Hon. Japan must be kicked out to do it with all the courtesy entitled to diplomatic insults.” “I do so!” reject Hon. Wm with grape-juice voice. This were very kind-father act for Hon. Wilson to do. IT always loved him because of his Presbyterian face. Hon. Bryan arrive to Sacramento while Hon. Johnson observe him with expression peculiar to Progressives looking at Democratic minorities. “Please, Hon. Gov., show me some typewriting of that disgusted Land Bill,” snuggest Hon. Wm Jenny making unfermented smiles. “So happy to do!” ollicute Hon. Gov bullmoosefully. So he shove forth enlarged manuscript from desk-hole. Hon. Wm Jenny read with parallel eyes. “Tt are insulting like cats talking to mice! Such a bill should be carried around in a battleship!” holla that great Nebraska man, so fidgettated he nearly had a diplomatic stroke. “How could we change this language to make him more Y. M. C. A.?” require Hon. Hi with voice. “That bill now say,” report Hon. Wm, “‘ All Japanese farmers must depart off from California landscape.’ This are very wrong diplomacy. It would seem more inter- national to report, ‘Only Japanese of Irish or Italian ancestors shall be permitted to grow mortgages in Cali- fornia.” These words will remove Japan so carefully she. will not realize it.” “That are substantially the same thing we said it,” corrode Hon. Johnson. “Diplomacy are the art of saying the same thing side- wise,” corrode Hon. Wm Jenny making wireless thoughts toward Washington. So Hon. Aunty-Japanese Bill were drew up like Hon. Bryan said. Washington felt gratified, as usual. : “That might be great diplomatic strike for Hon. Bryan,” snuggest Cousin Ichisuzi when he read it in papers. “Tt might, but is it?” are bright reply from me. Mr Editor, since that California statesmanship make sly eye-wink compel all Japanese to get European parents before they can obtain pieces of that valuable real-estate, we have enjoyed considerable brain-ache thinking how to comicbooks.com