Life, 1912-12-12 · page 16 of 48
Life — December 12, 1912 — page 16: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two satirical dialogues typical of Life's early 20th-century humor. **"On Life's Wire"** features a conversation between Life magazine and "Santa Claus," who is revealed to be **Anthony Comstock**, the famous anti-obscenity crusader. The joke is that Comstock—who had been largely sidelined—claims he's still active fighting indecency, despite rumors of his irrelevance. The satire mocks his persistence and self-importance, with the closing quip about Santa being "the last fairy story to go out of business" playing on Comstock's reputation for suppressing literature he deemed immoral. **"Lo and Behold"** satirizes the U.S. Parcel Post system (established 1913), which the text suggests was deliberately weakened by express companies' political influence. The sage character explains that while public pressure forced the government to create a parcel service, the express companies ("the circumstances") ensured it would be ineffectual enough not to threaten their profits—a critique of corporate lobbying undermining reform. Both dialogues exemplify Life's sharp political and social commentary through mock-serious exchanges.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
On Life’s Wire H LLO, Lire.” Hello. Who is it speaking?” “ Guess.” St. Patrick.” “No. Guess again.” “Dr. Cook.” “Anthony Comstock.” at it? We thought you were on the retired list.” “Not on your life, Lire. Some skeptical people have tried to put me out of business, but they can’t do it.” “Good for you, old sport. Don't give up without a struggle.” “Never fear, Lire, J won't.” “Is there anything we can do for you “No, not just now, except to say that the reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated.” “But that’s an old joke.” “Really good jokes never grow old, Lirr. You ought to know that.” “Do you mean to insinuate that—” “T insinuate nothing. I'lt tell you something else, Lire. Really good Jokers never grow old. That's what makes you so perennially young and Yresh.” “Come, Santa, is that a Christmas present?” “Oh, no. I've got something else for you.” “What is it?” “7 shan’t tell. You'll find it in your stocking.” “Better make it a birthday present. You know we're thirty years old next month.” “Well, Pl see.” “Anything new in Christmas pres- ents?” “No, Lire. Very little. Dolls still button up the back. Mechanical toys still go wrong after two or three usings. Christmas cigars are still un- smokable. Christmas—.” “Say no more, Santa. We under- stand.” “TI knew you would, but, neverthe- less, Christmas is a lot of fun, don't you think?” AN EXCLAMATION MARK “Of course it is.” “Even if a lot of people do make too much of it.” “Oh, there’s always somebody to overdo everything. Some people make too much of heaven,” “That's it exactly. As for me, I Gm going to continue to do my duty as long as possible. I’ll lay you a bet, Lire, that I’m the last fairy story to go out of business.” “Come, Santa, you want sure thing and besides we never bet. “All right, Lire, Remember I’m always with you. Be good to your- self.” “ Good-bye, Santa. Do your Christ- mas shopping early.” Be Oud. Lo and Behold “QEE the Parcel Post!” “What! You don’t mean to tell me, O Sage, that that misshapen thing is a Parcel Post?” “Aye, my son, cen though it be a thing of shreds and patches, it is still a Parcel Post in the technical sense.” “But why don’t they give us a Par- cel Post that is more seemly; one that is better fitted to do the work for which it was intended?” “Ah, my son, under the circum- stances—everything, you know, must be done under the circumstances—it would not be mect to have a Parcel Post that would really help us with our important problem of distribu- tion. “Under the circumstances, you say. But what, O Sage, are the circum- stances to which you refer?” “Alas, my son, it grieves me to have to revert to such a painful sub- ject. The circumstances to-day, in the past, are the express companies.” “Explain further, O Sage.” “Tt is this way, my son: Public opinion has been more and more in- sistent in demanding a Parcel Post. When there appeared to be danger in holding off any longer, the express companies invented a Parcel Post which would do the public little good and themselves little harm.” “ “Well, it is at least a step.” “Yes, it is a step, but is it a step in the right direction or in the wrong direction?” comicbooks.com