Life — December 5, 1912 — page 34: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CHRISTMAS F The Cynic’s Christmas HRISTMAS is here! Let us garnish each dwelling With evergreen branches and mistletoe boughs! With thoughts philanthropic our bosoms are swelling, ‘9 shadow should darken our brow But alas! when we're fixing festoons to the ceiling, The ladders we stand on are apt to give way, When a desolate feeling comes over us stealin; ‘Tis hard to be merry and gay! And it’s difficult, too, to be thoroughly jolly When painfully punctured by pieces of holly! Christmas is here! Let the plums and the suet Be mingled once more in ungrudging supplies! Let the lover of punch hasten swiftly to brew it Make ready a score of mince-pies! But alas! Iet us not be completely forgetful Of how indigestion is fostered and bred, How a surfeit of food makes the family fretful While alcohol flies to the head; Lest a fortnight devoted to over-nutrition ail a recourse to the nearest physician! FE ta ditt Christmas is here! Ev’ry mother shall borrow Her spouse's best stockings to tie to the cot Of the baby who hopes they'll contain, on the morrow, Drums, trumpets and goodness knows what! But it's rather a blow when the footwear allotted To hold Teddy bears, dolls and candy and skates, Is returned to its owner, misshapen and clotted With toffee and chew-gum and dates; While a drum is a bore if you constantly thump it, And life can be poisoned by sounds from a trumpet! Christmas is here! Little children excited s vocal with shouts of applause, As they ask that the candle-decked fir-tree be lighted *%n honor of kind Santa Claus. . But alas! for the person of years known as “ riper”! By clatter and racket his nerves are unstrung ; He is followed about, like a second Pied Piper, By droves of the clamorous young! All in vain does he seck for some haven of quiet; No room in the building is free from their riot! Christmas is here! Let us load our relations With gifts that are costly and offerings rare, And assume, as we lavish our tips and donations, A noble and bountiful air! But alas! when we've purchased the costliest jewel For dear Cousin Jane, and dispatched it by post, And she sends in return a small mat, worked in crewel, And worth fifty cents at the most, Shall we say, recollecting the present we bought her, “Dear Jane is a trifle more ‘dear’ than we thought her?” Christma is here! Let us go serenading. In glees and in madrigals raising our voice, In the snow of the street, ‘neath your window parading, O maidens divine of our choice! But alas! we forget how our Jast Christm Were ruined by parents’ inhuman attacks, When they brought out their shotguns and emptied both barrels. Lang into the napes of our backs! (If one justly expects some applause and encoring, A bullet can be indescribably boring!) carols Christmas is here! At a season so sprightly We banish all thoughts about mundane affairs, And attempt to be gay, and to smile fairly brightly, In spite of our worries and cares. But financial embarrassments mortify most men Whose hearts a prognostic of bankruptcy grips, When the dustmen and milkmen, policemen and postmen Demand their habitual tips. Then, oh, tell me—and grateful I'll be to you, very- Oh, tell me why Christmas was ever called “ Merry"! Harry Graham comicbooks.co