Life — July 25, 1912 — page 19: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE ORDER OF THE BATH tions been traveling on the Baltimore & Ohio Railroad. In case any of our friends desire to become members of the club but feel that they are not eligible on account of an occasional burst of cheerfulness, we recommend a systematic course of travel on this railroad. The Chicago Pessimist has unique claims upon our attention. He has be- come in the course of years so resigned to his fate that he even accepts his residence as a place that is more de- sirable than others. This is only, how- ever, upon the surface, for in his heart he realizes how much he is actually suffering. There will be no mid-summer cele- bration of the club this year owing to the fact that a majority of our mem- bers have notified us that they have no heart to attend. The condition of the country is known to be worse than ever before in its history, and inas- much as we have a Presidential elec- tion coming we see absolutely no hope for the future. And any congregation of pessimists during the summer sea- son would indicate that a concerted action in some direction was probable. The secretary of the club, however, has prepared a series of resolutions which members will be asked to sub- scribe to. They are as follows: Whereas, We note with deep re- gret that there has been an effort on the part of some of the author- ities to restrict the consumption of our natural resources; be it Resolved, That we regard this as being a mistake in policy, for the reason that inasmuch as the end is now in sight, why should any attempt be made to lengthen it out. Let us face the bitter truth and use up everything that we have on hand as soon as possible. Members in receiving their semi- annual bills will not hold them until they get them all together in one large bunch and then open them. By a careful series of experiments we know that the accumulated effect of opening one bill after another is very much greater than when they are all opened at once. While the shock in the latter case is severe, in the former case it extends over a longer period of time. A recent effort on the part of some members of the club to have regular dues has been defeated. It was thought that the expense of belonging to the Pessimists’ Club might add something to the mournfulness of the position; but inasmuch as every member of the club has his mind so fixed upon gloom and despondency that a few dollars more or less would not matter, and also inasmuch as we would probably not be able to collect any money, we have de- cided not to enforce this rule. You can belong if you have no hope for the future, no desire for the present, and look back upon the past only with a feeling that it may not have been quite so bad as the future promises to be. Some of our new books are: “The Groucher’s Manual,” complete in one hundred pages, with illustra- tions showing proper attitudes to as- sume upon every occasion. “Wet Blanket Aphorisms for Rainy Days,” being short counsels to the truly despondent. “Complete Guide for Matrimonial Pessimists,” showing how a continu- ous or consummate dejection can be- come chronic in the home. English as She Ain't MANLY thyme, His hoarse past buy a would; buoy road fourth won Two stray a loan is knot a crime, Ewe'd due sew if yew could. He soon be held a buck some made, Write gently bread was she; But week she seamed and soar a frayed, And pail as pail could bee. He rowed too her four two inn choir, And asked, “What dew cye sca she side, “my knead is dyer, Prey paws and sucker me. “ Bowled weigh, robbers am bush awl this Their boulder than ewe guess; Low, awl the day they steel and sleigh, Eye flea them inn distress.” The buoy herd awl her tail of whoa, And fourth with razed his soared; “When cye meat those whom now cye no, Isle beet them well,” he roared. “ Be wear there crewel mite,” she wales, “A lass, weave caws to fear; They clothes a bout us, naught a veils, Know, nun will piteous hear!” He concord awl that grate a ray, Then tolled her what heed dun; Of coarse she neigh, The blew-I'd made he one. Ivy Kellerman-Reed. wood knot say hymn IT WOULD SEEM SO, BUT THEY ARE——