Life, 1912-04-18 · page 14 of 54
Life — April 18, 1912 — page 14: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a satirical poem mocking New England colleges, particularly Harvard and Yale. The verse humorously disparages Harvard's arrogance ("One can always tell a Harvard man—but cannot tell him much"), celebrates Yale's supposed superiority, and takes shots at other institutions like Brown, the University of Maine, Bowdoin, and Williams. The accompanying illustration, captioned "NOT A WITCH, BUT JUST AS BAD," depicts a woman being confronted by colonial-era figures, likely referencing the Salem witch trials. The joke appears to link academic pomposity with historical New England hysteria—suggesting these colleges embody the same intolerant, judgmental spirit as their Puritan predecessors. The satire critiques intellectual elitism disguised as education.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
-LIFE- Ode on a Distant Prospect of the New England Colleges HEN Learning, heavenly Maid. was young In this brave land of ours, fhe Pilgrim Fathers reared among The leafy forest bowers A College, built of native trees, Wherein the Aborigines Should learn the Hebrew tongue And Virtue, Latin, Kindness, Greek, And how to live resigned and meek The Injuns, grateful (so to speak), Canorously hurrahed, And thus bequeathed, as legends tell, To later days their battle yell Of, “Wah, Wah, Wah! Hahzahd!” But.—heed ye not the lying tale,— They never cried “ To h—1 with Yale!” Profaning academic shades And shocking Radcliffe’s high-born maids; For Harvard ne'er was aught save bland To other Schools, which, hat in hand, Compete for contributions ; And every day the Cambridge air Receives her Prexy’s gentle prayer: “Oh, Lord, bless Harvard—likewise For lesser institutions! Now let me sing of Yale; And if, perchance, A My path at least with good intent is paven Proud School whose shadow whelms The graceful-arching elms And wooden-nutmeg trees of bright New Haven, Though Brother Owen Johnson dims their glory And claims their scholarship is nugatory, Thy sons are known for strength to meet each test, For bulldog pluck—and that’s no idle jest; Yet most for high sublimity Of Thought. Their magnanimity, Unparalleled, is such That freely they admit, exalted clan! That “One can always tell a Harvard man, But cannot tell him much!” Let Williams have her due of laurel leaf! Whose fame was ever brighter Than that of Williams, named for Colonel Eph, The dauntless Injun fighter! And though the sons of Amherst win repute In phi-lology, Why slight the Massachusetts Institute OF Tech-nology? Or yet Mount Holyoke, Wellesley, Radcliffe, Where lovely maids read Owen Meredith? Though Baptist brethren wished to spread the light Of godly learning, long they waited For Providence to indicate a site Appropriately irrigated Now dawned upon their gaze Rhode Island’s watered ground— Rhode Island, cleft with bays, The Promised Land was found! And there they built that school of high renown, The matchless University called Brown. Where, fresh from lakelets blue, Penobscot threads the plain, Embattled stands the U- Niversity of Maine. And, elsewhere in that State, Arise the walls of Bowdoin, Whose Faculty are great And wise as Thor and Woden. or shall snow-peaked New Hampshire less be famed! New Hampshire boasts that pearl Of learning, loved by Dan’l Webster, named For Dartmouth’s Noble Earl. But see, the page is filling; And therefore, all unwilling, I close my lyric strain—with due apologies To fair Vermont and fourteen other colleges. Arthur Guiterman, NOT A WITCH, BUT JUST AS BAD IIA MT bo