Life — March 14, 1912 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LIP E+ We ask the old maids’ vote, no matter where it is located. An Australian ballot is now prepared, on which the name of every woman candidate will be printed. It will be four or five yards long. Dressmakers everywhere are delighted. They predict a period of unexampled prosperity. Meanwhile, Lire’s Campaign Manager is working night and day gathering information about the various applicants in order that a candidate may be selected who will most nearly fill the requirements of the American people. “It is generally recognized,” said Andrew Carnegie yesterday, “that the candidate indorsed by Lire will be elected. While I never read the paper myself, I realize its influence, and I only hope THAT TRAGIC MOMENT WHEN THE GIRL YOU HAVE DECIDED TO MARRY TELLS YOU OF HER ENGAGEMENT TO ANOTHER Union, the Rahway Knights of Labor, and Typographical Union No. 6. Stumping tours have been arranged by nearly all of these ladies, and dressmakers are now working night and day getting suitable gowns together. The Woman's Christian Temperance Union will have a candidate of its own, and announces the following plat- form: Down with cigarettes! We believe that the pernicious use of charged waters, mineral or otherwise, is a menace to the American people. We shall therefore abolish all soda water fountains. Alcohol, of course, is doomed. Our first act upon get- ting into power will be to close up all saloons and places where cocktails are served, including the Colonial Club. Working hours for all milkmen will hereafter be limited to seven each day. Niagara Falls is our trademark. that Emma Goldman won't get in.” We are forced to announce that no candidates for the office will hereafter be received in person. Last week Thirty-first Street, where Lire Building is located, was so crowded with applicants that traffic was held up. Please, therefore, send in your application by mail. No lady in good health, who is beautiful and has a good disposition and is capable of managing a farm or a husband, is barred out. Where you are not well known, please send references with your application. At present we are divided in our minds between Hetty Green, Emma Goldman, and Lillian Russell. We shall hope to control the Cabinet, and in the event of electing our candidate the following slate has been sug- gested: Secretary of War. seeeeee Maude Adams. Secretary of Navy . Gertrude Atherton. Secretary é . Maxine Elliott. Secretary i . Mrs. O. H. P. Belmont. British Ambassador... +++ Elinor Glyn. (By special request.) Minister to England............. Ethel Barrymore. These names are, however, all liable to change at the last moment and dark horses may be substituted. Address all applications for the Presidency to Lire’s Campaign Manager, this office. Life’s Cabaret Show [8 response to the urgent requests of many of its patrons, Lire begs to announce the establishment of a new Cabaret Show. This establishment will bear the official title of Folies Bestiette and will be located in the gayest and dizziest part of Broadway. It will be unsurpassed in expensiveness and will acknowledge no peer in point of vulgarity and indecency. It will be open at all hours and especially from two to six in the morning. There will be singing and dancing and shrill talk and scraping of stringed instruments all the time. In addition to these there will be found on each of the three floors the choicest lines of drinking and car- rousing and semi-nudity that New Yofk can produce. No drinks will be served but champagne and no food but the most highly-spiced abominations. Seats reserved three months in advance. TH poet is borne, not paid. comicbooks.com Pre er cee