Life — February 22, 1912 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LPP Es Prisoner: & pipn’T STEAL THE HOKSE. MIM PROM THE FELLOW WHAT STOLE 11M. “SHORE. 1 ‘PHONED THAT TO THE VIGILANCE comMIT- TEE, BUT IT'S NO GO, THEY 'PHONED ME TO HANG UP THE RECEIVER.” 1 ONLY TOOK rotic—hysterical—emotional—method of providing sex in- stincts in the most dramatic manner. We | received many applications from ladies who work on yellow journals, but cannot fill any orders for them until we get the real literary people started. Our new dancing parlors for ladies and gentlemen have just been opened, and classes in dancing take place from nine o'clock in the morning until six at night. We expect HE GAVE UP HIS HOPE OF “LIFE” HEREAFTER WITHOUT A MURMUR to place dancing on an entirely new basis, and every form of it is now being taught in our establishment. Among the latest novelties are the “Taft Swing,” the “Hetty Green Milwaukee Dip,” the “Woodrow Wilson Chassé,” the “Knox Arbitration Two-Step,” the “ Rockefeller Glide,” the “ Carnegie Highland Fling,” the “ Joe Cannon Cancan,” the “J. J. Hill Railroad Prosperity Polka,” the “ Teddy Roosevelt Breakdown,” the “ Anthony Comstock Hoochee- Coochee" and many others. In the early morning we have a special barefoot class for members of the Supreme Court, some of whom are learning to acquire grace by rhythmic movements along the lines of the highest wstheticism. We have already revolu- tionized the appearance of the Supreme Court with our costumes, and in the near future we expect to give its members a grace and agility never before seen in Ameri- can public life. Mayor Gaynor is taking private lessons with a view of making a more impressive entrance before women's suf- frage meetings. Our public men should remember that it is not absolutely necessary for them to wear tights while taking dancing lessons, although it is better to do this, where modesty does not prevent. When one considers the extreme awkwardness of the average Con- gressman and Senator—or, in fact. any other of our world-famous statesmen—it will be seen that our dancing classes are going to put American diplomacy upon an entirely new basis. In the course of a short time we expect to send abroad representatives who will be able to approach a foreign monarch with the proper tout ensemble. Inasmuch as most of our statesmen depend entirely upon appearances for results, the importance of this new departure can scarcely be overestimated. We are now taking limited classes of Con- gressmen and Senators at reduced rates. We can, however, consider no applications from railroad presidents. These gentlemen have importuned us constantly since the announcement of our fashion schemes for men, on the ground that, if they had proper costumes and if they could acquire more grace, they would not have such a bad reputa- tion with the American public as at present. We feel, however, that the work of regenerating the average American railroad president is just at present beyond our powers. Later on we may take this up when we can get more help. Life’s Fashion Reform League. Howard: Do you know any one who is satisfied with his pres- ent position? Cowarp: Yep—our hired man—at any rate, he never moves. WASHINGTON’S BIRTHDAY comicbooks.com