Life — January 4, 1912 — page 68: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

*LIPE* HELLO, BROTHER, ANYTHING GOOD TO EAT? “A carburetor—why—hum—Jack, tell her—I can’t put things clearly while I’m trying to read all this stuff.” ‘aid Jacl carburetor—why—it's an indicator that shows the rate the car is going. And a clutch—is a shiny brass rod in front of the after-thwart that you hang onto in heavy seas.” “Oh,” said Letty; “and what are crank shafts and spark plugs?” . “The shaft the propeller is attached to,” answered Jack readily “is the crank shaft; and spark plugs—let me see— they go under different names in different localities, and a fellow gets a little confused. But I think that when the rail’s awash and the scuppers fill, you can pull out a plug and clear ’em out.” “It surprises me, Jack,” said Tobias heartily, “how soon you pick up technical information.” “Any sporting man,” Jack modestly acknowledged, “does the same thing.” Letty was busy again over the advertisements. “Oh, Tobias,” she suddenly exclaimed, “listen to this: ‘The U-Oughta-Car, A modern family machine, It takes hus- band to the office. It takes wife shopping. It gives baby an airing. When overheated it cooks the meals, Release the clutch and apply our patent attachment, it does the washing and mending. rything, in fact, but upstairs rk. N. B—We are training our 1914 Light Runabout to sweep and dust and make the beds!” “Too domestic,” said Jack definitely. “I like that next one better. » Look here: ‘ The Carramba, It stands alone. Looks like a gunboat and wears better. Be sure that S. H. & M. is on the binding. 99 and 44/100 pure. It floats’ That's the boy for me, so far as the picture goes. Real sporty look.” “Please, Jack,” said Letty earnestly, “remember, you are helping to buy a car for us, not for you. You're going away in a week. Though you know,” she added hastily, fearing that her words had sounded inhospitable, “ we've urged and urged you to stay.” “1 know,” said Jack, patting her affectionately on the back, “and I really do want to help you out. Why not read some of this dope they call ‘Advice to Buyers?’ You'll find it there in some of those pages.” Jack took them and ran through the pack hastily. “Here it is,” he added—"‘ Answers to Correspondents. Jack read mum- blingly down through the columns—! How can I get better wear out of my tires?’ ‘What is the best way to dilute gasoline?’ “Is there an official code of signals between drivers to indicate police?’ ‘What is the best smell absorber?’ Ah! here we are— “Can you recommend a serviceable car for quict family use, and what is a reasonable price? Any car advertised in our columns is reliable, and will be as quiet as you like. A reasonable price depends upon your bank account, You ant enough left to pay your fines.” “That doesn't seem to help,” said Tobias perplexedly. “We might write to that department ourselves and de- scribe minutely what we need. Jack eyed him thoughtfully. “I’ve got it,” he shouted, “gimme a pencil!” Seizing a blank scrap of paper, he sat down and scribbled violently. “ There!” he concluded in triumph, “ insert this ad in all the papers.” A gentleman and his wife of moderate in- come and simple tastes desire to buy a new and suitable automobile. They will examine samples daily after five p.m. until the 18th of this month in front of their residence. That's the day I leave,” he added, in explanation. “It will make it easy for you to entertain me during the re- mainder of my stay, and you have the benefit of my ex- pert advice during all the trials.” The magnitude of the idea overwhelmed his relatives for a moment. Tobias broke the silence. “It’s a good idea! We can be judicious, and do nothing blindly, It will prevent reckless expenditure, and enable us to con- sult fully all our tastes—and incidentally we may learn something of operation. You may insert the ad, Jack, wherever you think it will reach the attention of agents.” A postal card from Jack to Letty, dated the 16th: “Dear Sis—I im not much on letters, as you know. Had a fine time visiting you, even if the last four days were pretty strenuous. Hope you'll forgive me for leaving ahead of my time. Hurry up and write me what you finally de- cided. “ Yours, . “ Jack.” P. S.—I can never forget that first day when your street was blocked and the police made traffic regulations for us. Tobias to Jack on the 22d: “Dear Jack.—Letty did not get your card and I am replying in her stead. She slipped out of the house in disguise, through the cellar window on the 14th, after try- ing the 3ooth car, and I am making her spend a short ne at a rest cure. I stayed to the end, saw 471 agents and took short experimental rides in 635 cars. After the sixth day I refused to consider speed tests. You will be interested to learn that, owing to a certain increasing em- phasis in the manner of the agents and my own weakening stamina, I have mortgaged the house and assigned my in- surance and purchased the last four cars examined. “Thanking you for all your suggestions and advice, I remain, “Your brother-in-law, “ Tostas.”