Life, 1912-01-04 · page 48 of 108
Life — January 4, 1912 — page 48: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two satirical pieces attacking Prohibition and poking fun at a newspaper item. **"Prohibition on a Wrong Basis"** (left column): Life's editors argue against the Prohibitionists' absolutist stance, claiming total alcohol prohibition would cause *more* harm than good. They contend the real "root of all evil" is love of money, not alcohol itself—a rhetorical jab suggesting Prohibitionists misdiagnose society's problems. **"Smythe, Lover of Rivers"** (right): This mock-heroic poem ridicules a newspaper item about J. Y. Smythe of Grand Rapids supposedly studying American rivers. The poem comically catalogs dozens of river names in increasingly absurd scenarios (strip-teasing, canoeing, going mad), suggesting the original news item was either fabricated or absurdly trivial. The paired cartoon shows two men discussing buying a newspaper, one claiming speculation ruined him—implying Life itself questions the reliability of such "news." Both pieces exemplify Life's satirical mission: deflating Prohibition zealotry and mocking sensationalist journalism.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
THE UNDER poG. Prohibition on a Wrong Basis D° the Prohibitionists believe in total abstinence? We are not familiar as we should be with the laws and platforms, but have gathered the impression that the basis of their ac- tivities is the conviction and assertion that all the alcoholic drinks are wholly bad, that nobody ought to drink any of, them, and that the laws should make total abstinence compulsory by pro- hibiting the manufacture, importation and sale of all intoxicants. If that is their fundamental prin- ciple they are on a false basis. No matter about that if they regulate only their own behavior by it, but when they try to pass laws that aim to com- pel the whole of society to accept and abide by their view, and in some cases succeed, it becomes important whether that view is sound or otherwise. It is not sound. It will not wash. Great as is the damage that alcohol does in our country, we believe that universal and successful prohibition would do more. The root of all evil is not alcohol, as the Prohibitionists suppose. Still, as much as ever, it is the love of money, and that is the root of a large part of the evil associated with the drink business. Get rid of that and a very large proportion of the mischiefs due to al- cohol would ‘he abated. It is hard to slo, but the Guttenberg law did it. It has ifever been done by Prohibition. ‘LPs Smythe, Lover of Rivers In the Waldorf yesterday, Mr. J. Y. Smythe, of Grand Rapids, said that he had been making a special study of American rivers.—Newspaper Item. Is winter time, in his new toboggan, Did he ride on the cold, gray An- droscoggin? Or in climate warm, where the air is calmer, Did he venture alone on the Alal Maybe he danced the coochy coochy On the plain. but respectable Chatta- hoochie. Did he try, spieler The bank of the good old Monongahela? with some West Virginia Who knows? hanna Appealed to his fickle masculine manner, And, maybe, the Susque- Ard in morals growing loose and looser Did he sirip for a swim in the Talla- poosa? Were his feelings dammed, or were they spent O On the gay St. Croix or the Sacramento? Or did he of Indian maidens ask a Pair of spoons on the old Nebraska? Maybe he sang: “Oh, let my jig be Up near the mouth of the swift Tom bighee.” Or maybe he sang “ Not one iota ‘are I for aught but the Minnesota!” Who knows but Friend Smythe, with feelings mnemonic Forgot all else but the Housatonic, Or reveled in joy removed from dolor Canoeing the Apa-la-chi-cola ! Did he sit on the edge of the Saginaw slippy Or idly float on the Mississippi? Did he speed look on The Willamette or the giddy Yukon? northwest and take a Or with no one to guide, in his deep bravado Did he stem the tide of the Colorado? Did he lay him down at night in toto And gaze at, the moon on the burnt Scioto? Or grow obtuse and still obtuser On the Washita or the cooler Coosa? Maybe the Mohawk or rank Missouri Made him mad and drove him to fury, VLL NEVER DO ANOTHER Jon ON SPECULATION. HERE I'VE SWEPT THE FROM MR. ROBIN’S DOOR-YARD AND NOW I FIND 1B’S GONE TO PALM BEACH FOR THE WINTER. sxow Or maybe some cloud that was warm and rainy Soothed his soul on the Alleghany Did he cool his heels in a tumbled shanty On the Roanoke or the surging ? Or with Indian squaw, forty Did he flirt on the banks of the Grande del Norte? fair, fat Did he sing in rich and radiant stanzas Some Spanish tune on the low Arkansas? We do not know lucky Jf you've kept away from the old Ken But, Smythe, you're “LMM AM M-BRRRI !—Say, WILY DEVIL DON’T YoU BUY A your own?" WHY, SIR, YOURN WILL po, IF You'LL ONLY HOLD IT STEADY.” THE PAPER OF