Life — January 4, 1912 — page 40: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIFE: Life’s Annual Reunion HE annual reunion of certain char- acters of Lire took place last ° Thursday evening. Lirer presided. On the right sat President Taft and on the left J. Bounder Ballingford, Lire’s special correspon- dent. Others present were the manager of the Hus- hands’ Correspondence Bu- reau, the manager of Lire’s Fashion Reform League, Gee Ime Mit of the Men- tal Subscription Thought Department and Mr. and Mrs. Pipp and their daugh- ters. Mr. Pipp was late. He came in at last, however, accompanied by Miss Pris- cilla Jawbones, Lire’s suf- fragette editor, who wore willow plumes and a harem skirt for the great occasion. Just as the members of the party sat down there was a disturbance outside the door, and a message was handed in to the effect that Anthony Comstock was outside and insisted on making one of the party. A copy of the Im- proper Number was handed out to him and he immediately became so much absorbed in it that quiet once more reigned. President Taft was called upon first. saying: “ Unaceustomed as I am to making speeches, I naturally feel—' (Cries of ) “Highly honored by this attention, I shall detain you only a few hours. I want to say something about the tariff, My reasons for not having it lowered were, as you know, purely personal. I felt that it might be inimical to the best interests; and so, as I have said—I—er—went back on my promises because—er—ahem—I naturally — (Cries of “Go on!”) “What I was about to say is that the newspapers have not treated me fairly; they have published my speeches in full, thereby doing me much harm.” (Great applause.) Mr. Ballingford was the next speaker. “ Modesty prevents me,” he began, but was interrupted by continuous cheers. When the applause was over, he continued more quietly : “T have just returned from abroad, where I have located the Mona Lisa, arranged the details of the occupation of Tripoli, reassured William the German Emperor in a pri- vate interview I condescended to grant him, gone over the new English constitution with Asquith and King George He began by and broken into Westminster Abbey to write a muckraker on the way it is kept—and I feel a trifle tired, so if you will excuse me I will drink a couple more bottles of cham- pagne and retire. The manager of the Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau began as follows: In spite of all reports to the contrary, and the libellous rumor that I have had some trouble with my wife, which would not permit me to attend this dinner, I wish to call attention to the fact that I am here. That is the most effective answer I can make to my rivals and enemies. Now, gentlemen, with regard to my work for the coming year. My vast experience: (Cries of “ Bravo! Bravo!”) “My vast experience, I repeat, makes it imperative for me to raise my rates; this is particularly true, considering the cost of living. The handsome blonde on the right as you enter——” ? (Cries of “ Why didn’t you bring her with you? ”) “Has struck for a substantial increase in her pay; also the manager of my entertainment bureau. If any of you are really suffering, however, from your treatment at home, and have been to me before, I shall be glad to take you on at the old rates, I— “Sit down! Shut up! We've come here for a good time and we don’t want to be reminded of home!” was now heard from a quiet man with a sour countenance who sat ina far corner. Tiere was a hush, and the Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau representative was followed by the next speaker—namely, the President of the Pessimists’ Club.” As it was thought inappropriate to applaud him, his rising was received in dead silence. He began as follows: “Gentlemen, I had an oppressive feeling that this din- ner would take place; in fact, I have been preparing myself for it for some time. There was a period when Lire was a fairly decent paper; but, of course, all that is now past; the fact that it has largely increased its circulation-is only evidence of its decline; the more people you know the less intelligent they are on the average—it, therefore, follows that as Lire grows, it becomes poorer in quality. I cannot say that I am glad to meet any of you to-night; it is bad enough to have to be inflicted with your more or less weekly utterances without coming into personal contact with you; however, it cannot be helped. This is a pretty poor dinner; the speeches promise to be poorer, if one can judge from those.I have already listened to. There is, however, one consolation. I doubt if this country holds together another year. That being the case, the probability of this performance being repeated is, therefore, remote; I congratulate you on this probability, and wish you all a sad good night.” He was given three cheers—and then suddenly a hush fell on the whole assembly as a message was handed in from the outside. “ Gentlemen, id Lire, “ there is a distinguished visitor