Life — December 28, 1911 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

1172 -LIFE- No New Year Celebration This Year Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau Makes Important Announcement Which Will Affect M**” of our customers have urged us this year to give a New Year's Husbands’ Festival, as a sort of fitting ceremony to mark our prog- ress, and emphasize the fact that dur- ing the past year we have united a record number of happy hear We regret that we must decline this suggestion. There will be no New Year’s celebration of our Bureau this year. We can only say to those of our overenthusiastic friends who have urged us to take this step, that having presided over the destinies of count- less husbands now for many years we know pretty well when to celebrate and when not to. In our opinion New Year's day is no time to celebrate, so far as the average husband is concerned, and we say this with due regard for every- body. This Bureau will be closed on that day, and all of our employees will be given a day off. Our reasons for making this an- nouncement are based on the funda- mental principles that govern the ac- tions of mankind in general; for years we have tried to make our New Years, as they have come around, look bright and cheerful. Having been a husband ourselves now for a long period, and having had as many varieties of wives as are likely to fall to the lot of any innocent and more or less misguided person who is governed too largely by his sentiments, we know whercof we speak. Husbands are broadly divided into two classes, those whose wives are more economical than they are, and those whose wives are more extrava- gant. When a man's wife is so mean that she never runs up any bills, and he can’t steal away even for twelve hours to forget himself, he doesn’t want to be reminded of New Year’s— of the glad, free, reckless atmosphere of other homes than his. When, on the other hand, his wife is extravagant, New Year’s is the day when he wants to steal upstairs to the top floor, and there, in the little attic room, go over the Christmas and other incidental Many Households Throughout the Land bills that the New Year bequeaths to him, while hot, scalding tears course down his cheeks, and he has a strange, sad sense that he is up against it. This Bureau mitigates both of these cases. In our time we have performed many remarkable cures. A year ago one of our customers had a wife so close that she made his cravats out of last year’s window curtains that had been dyed twice; and we have her so now that she will eat, on Saturday night, a dollar and a half table d’héte dinner with him, tip the waiter a quar- ter and otherwise extravagantly enjoy herself without referring to the matter every day for the next week. Another customer had a wife so ex- travagant that she used to wait in front of his office every Saturday to rob him of everything but carfare, and the willow plumes she bought in one year, if put end to end, would reach from Boston to New York. This case is now so far recovered that the husband often has enough ready cash to steal away under the auspices of our Entertainment Committee and have a real uplifting time. But, generally speaking, New Year's is not a period for rejoicing on the part of any of our customers. We expect to have a fairly good time our- self this year, as our latest wife—who we regret to say is not the best in- vestment in the world—is going away on a visit to her family. The rela- tions between this lady and ourself, while not having reached the open breach stage, are yet so ambiguous as to lead us to believe that almost any New Year’s day would be a success without her presence. In the meantime, those of our cus- tomers who are in arrears should bear in mind that, while this office will be closed New Year's day, it constitutes no argument against pay- ing up their accounts at the end of the year. Owing to our intense sympathy with many of our customers, we have been carrying on our books more char- ity accounts than good business in- stinct warrants. Those who can pay, therefore, are urged to do so at once. If we can by any chance collect Fee enase nt comicbookMen a