Life — December 7, 1911 — page 55: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LPP E+ Christmas Refuge for Husbands Do You Shrink from Staying at Home and Kissing Your Relatives? If So, the Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau Offers a Safe Retreat E take pleasure in announcing to all our friends and patrons the fact that we have opened a Husbands’ House of Refuge for the use of all those husbands who may desire to spend Christmas away from the bosom or bosoms of their family, as the case may be. This action, on our part, somewhat in advance of the Christmas rush, is based on our long experience, and while we hesitate to give vent to utterances which may be misinterpreted and may possibly have a tendency to detract from the fine sentiment of the glad Yuletide season, at the same time, the bitter truth must be faced. We must be prepared to protect our customers at all periods. ia must be confessed that to our average customer—mean ing most of the husbands in this country—the Christ- mas season is not exactly a bed of roses. Having our- through our various marriages—most of them con- tracted in order that we might widen our experience for the benefit of the trade—having ourselves, we say, come into intimate personal contact with a variety of families, ranging all the way from the grim New England species to the Wild West kind, we can state truthfully that we are not wildly enthusiastic about the average Christmas re- union. During the past decade, at Christmas reunions we have been compelled to kiss two hundred and forty-seven varie- ties of female beaut: Many of these ladies were austere and strictly wholesome old maids; many of them were married ladies of long standing, and others we prefer to hide behind the charitable veil of the dim past. It ha: of course, been a part of our business to perform this nec- essary Christmas function—which invariably took place in the presence of our respective wife—with enthusiasm and eagerness. In fact, we have become so trained by this Christmas gauntlet-running that we don't suppose there is any female in the length and breadth of this prosperous country who would compel us to side-step. No matter how a woman may | little start, and enable us to infuse into ourselves the necessary Christmas fe ing—we believe that we should be equal to any emergency We should also like to state, in justice to the past, that there have been times, in the presence of some fresh and inviting young relatives of our said wife, that we have positively rather enjoyed the custom. But, on the whole, we are heavy losers in the game. We have known, in the course of our checkered business career, many husbands so lost to shame that they have declare that they look forward each Christmas season to kissing all of their wife’s relatives. This pathetic condition we consider it our duty to alleviate as much as is in our power. Hence our Christmas House of Refuge. By letting us know at once we will give you a good give us The Refuge will of our tall, handsome blonde, and the chair- man of our Entertainment Committe within call. room and guarantee you absolute quict. be in charg will be constantly If you contemplate this step send at once for our little booklet, entitled * One Thousand Ways to Leave Home.” [¥ order that there may be no misapprehension, we desire to say that the Christmas entertainment which we will give to all our husbands will be fully equal to our great rep- utation, It is intended to be a complete surprise, but we shall violate no confidence when we say that we have al ready ordered two bales of mistletoe for the ogcasion. Unfortunately, we ourselves shall not be able to be esent in person. Our recent marriage, we regret to say, has not turned out as we had every reason to expect; we of this misfortune freely for the reason that our n troubles, by giving us an added insight into the depths of the human heart, only enable us to cater more faithfully to our friends, Just at present we are looking forward to spending Christmas Eve in a divorce court, and unless all signs fail, we shall probably hang up our stocking near the open fireplace in that rather severe but not uncheerful room. We have planned spending Christmas Day in filing our Dill of complaint, and inasmuch as the particulars are numerous and we do not care to let the other party get the advantage of us, we shall give up the whole day to drawing up this important paper. While this is, of course, a purely personal matter we mention it to show that our heart is in our work and tha we are so busy looking after our customers’ interests dur- ing the entire year that Christmas Day is about the only time we have to ourselves. Our present wife, by the way, is a young and handsome yone of our hopeless cases a reasonable sum if he would take her of We married her under a slight misconception woman, and we would be willing to. pz our hands. about her temperament, supposing that she did not have one; we have no fear but that the decree will be granted; at the sentment. we should like to place her with some desirable party. It would be casier all around. me time, in order to show that we harbor no re- In case the pros- pective gentleman is already burdened with a wife, we will range to get rid of her for him at a merely nominal figure. If you desire to spend Christmas at the Refuge com municate with us In the meantime. we have been requested to ask all of our customers to do their Christmas shopping early. We sincerely hope that the disgraceful spectacles of mobs of husbands in our department stores just on the eve of Christmas, making life miserable for the shop ladies, will not this year be repeated Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau. once. Ccomicbooks.com