Life, 1911-12-07 · page 28 of 112
Life — December 7, 1911 — page 28: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page combines satirical poetry and humor about Christmas gift-giving. **The Poem** ("A True Bill Against Christmasse") by Arthur Guiterman is a mock-archaic complaint about Christmas excess—rejecting festive cheer, holiday gatherings, expensive feasts, and the financial burden ("trail of empty Purses"). It's written in deliberately old-fashioned spelling to humorously heighten the curmudgeonly tone. **The Silhouette Cartoon** ("Miss'll Toe the Mark") shows a woman and man in what appears to be a dance or playful struggle, likely illustrating romantic holiday interactions or courtship—a lighter counterpoint to the poem's grumpiness. **The Article** ("The Hundred Worst Christmas Presents") sarcastically catalogs terrible gift ideas: useless card cases and cigar accessories for bachelors; deliberately ugly steel engravings and wrong-colored rugs for newlyweds designed to clutter their homes; and for wives—anything except money. The humor relies on recognizing these as genuinely thoughtless, obligatory gifts people actually gave.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
“While there is Life there's Hope" DECEMBER 7, 1911 VOL. LVI No. 1519 Published by LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY 17 West Thirty-first Street, A Crue Bill Agaynst Christmasse TWILL not bear of Cbristmasse Cbecr Ror Christmasse Bells asringing! I loatbe to see a Cbristmasse Tree, 1'm deat to Carol=singing. T will not troll pe Wlassail Bowl! T love no strong Potations Ror Pule tbat brings ype Gatberings Of Hondescript Relations. Forbeare to show pe Mistictoc! All Proper Aden disdain it; De Prettic Maid wolde scorn its Aid. We Plaine One sbolde not gain it. Give pause, give pause to Santa Claus! Dis Course ts trulie shocking; 1 understand be bas a band In Everybodie’s Stocking! Vet, void of Shame, they praise bis Hame In Reams of idle Verses, ‘Bnd call bim kind tbat leaves bebind B Trail of emptic Purses. Sbatp Sorrows lie in Cbristmasse Pic Wibicb treble when tbey beat it. 1 bave no Use tor Cbristmasse Goose Hor Cannibals tbat cat it. For Wlls and Pills and Doctor’s Bills Are scarce a Cause for Laugbter; Ye Tables groan before ye Feaste, Be Feasters groan tbereatter. Arthur Guiterman. MISS'ILL TOE THE MARK The Hundred Worst Christmas Presents AVING reached that admirable state where the selec- tion of the worst Christmas presents has reached its perfection, it remains for us to tabulate them. This is by no means an easy task, owing to the bewildering variety. We may expect, therefore, only to make a respectable be- ginning. For the average bachelor we have much to choose from. In card cases alone there are at least four hundred differ- ent specimens, none of which any self-respecting bachelor would carry about him. Leaving entirely aside cigars which he never would smoke, we have cigar holders, smok- ing tables, alcohol lighters and ornate humidors, every one useless for all practical purposes. For a young married couple there is always the steel engraving. The great desirability of presenting a young married couple with a steel engraving—especially if they are your intimate friends—is the fact that in deference to you they will absolutely be obliged to place it in a con- spicuous position; the same thing is true of a rug. When your young married couple have been going along un- molested in fitting out their house, and have a color scheme all planned, your business as a friend of the family is to present them with a large rug of the wrong color that you have specially selected—as you explain conspicuously—for the front hall. As for your own wife—assuming in these uncertain days that you have one even temporarily—almost anything you give her will do. You may be perfectly certain that she will not like it. Anything, of course, but money. But no husband would ever make a mistake like that.