Life, 1911-09-21 · page 28 of 52
Life — September 21, 1911 — page 28: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page presents a mock-philosophical text parodying Epictetus, the ancient Stoic philosopher, but applied to marriage advice for women. The satire targets the reality of married life versus romantic courtship ideals. The piece humorously catalogs a husband's controlling behaviors and domestic frustrations: he jealously guards his possessions while expecting a wife's complete devotion; he neglects her emotionally when healthy but demands care when ill; he refuses to provide money for necessities while secretly proving his power through her emotional distress; he leaves cigar ash and matches everywhere; and he constantly loses track of money he's given her. The accompanying illustration—"Two Portraits of a Friend"—shows two baby faces (one happy, one crying), likely representing a husband's emotional volatility or dual nature. The satire's point: marriage requires a woman to manage an emotionally erratic, financially controlling man while performing endless domestic labor—a sharp critique of women's constrained marital roles in early 20th-century society.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
482 ~LIFE- The Discourses of Mrs. Epictetus Consistin ig of Four Papers on the Gentle « rts of Husband Catching—I. The Necessity for a Husband that are of the thing (value) to a wor contrast 10 the things you feel you can not be happy (joyous) without, endeavor the essentials from the ex- Ix considering real worth to separate ternals. You suppose because you have not a husband that you are undone. But to observe that only which is your own or not your own is not philosophy. To have acquired a husband is not always to have him, You cannot hold soft cheese with a hook. Observe your neighbor who has a hus- band, She boasts loudly of him. She says he is splendid as Epaphroditus, She calls attention to his chest measurement But observe constantly that she packs her belongir and leaves him, seeking distraction and spending lis hard earned obulas. Do not exalt, therefore, the want that is yours rather than that which is your neighbor's. Look to it that a husband often agitates (disturbs) the heart when (persons) call him up t come and his good disposition. strange women on the ‘phone and he does my home for dinner. Observe also how he It is to pat him on the back and fall on his neck to extract even a hat, although he would tell you that all he had was yours. You may weep his chest ging for a new gown and he will re: force, claiming that he cannot afford to have his t new one, And so long s able to make you weep it will make him inward- ly proud, proving his power over you. st be petted into beg- ove you by sit is a ruined, he Ponder well, therefore, and consider if it is what you re think you necd that is consuming you For you would find a husband some- thing you could not exchange for trading ly need or what you stamps, Also Jearn that after acquiring a hus band your lifework will consist princi- pally in changing the collar buttons and studs in his shirts, one to the other This you will have 10 do twice a day all the year. For although a man have many motor cars he will have but two collar buttons and one pair of sleeve links. His keys, his watch, his eyeglass and even his hat he chains up jealously, but he al- buttons freedom so lows his collar no man pursucth His ways you would have to study; t he best would have to keep warmed even until th and put away his clothes in moth balls. y may flee where wh likes. His slippers you curled You would be expected to meet hin at the door on his coming home, with honest hark and welcoming arms. Yet you would have to learn when he wished to be let alone, For no man would care to be kissed to death even though he might say so in the days of his courtship. He would wish to stop for his meals, to wind his watch and to read the stock reports. Your devotion he would not value when he was in good health, but when he be caressed and when he wished to be ame ill he would be as a babe clinging to your finger. Observe (no- tice) that he would put his cigar ashes in the window boxes and throw half burned matches out of the windows so they might fall on the heads of passersby. You would have to learn not alone bi nature but his curves (kinks). You would have to cajole him as a kitten play and again you would have to be as Minerva wise ta meet his moods. Only in this way would he be induced to part with olulas and these sparingly, one by one, And he would ask in sur- prise where are the two he gave you day before yesterday. You would know he kad done some- ms wing wrong when he sent home flowers nd candy and fruits for you. And suddenly, because something goes wrong with which you have nothing whatever to do, he will fy in a blind fury from you and go to his club curs- ing. And it is only while for ima he continues to dat you inary offenses ‘These are but a few of his incurves. He that you | ones cares for you. will see to it little about his out- n very hink of these things, these opinions, these examples, if you would obtain a To get hang them- Kate Masterson. husband at this worth (price). what they call liherty—some selves, Professional Men ROFESSIONAL men are more to be pitied than scorned, It 1s a ter rible thing to have to wander about the th as an avowed receptacle of knowl- repository of facts which must edge, as be true s well as important The principal trouble comes in that facts are treacherous, while professional facts are n are loyal. Although changing all the time, professional men are trying to live up to their diplomas. Having once learned a set of facts, they feel at 18 hardly fair for knowledge to move on and leave them behind. Some of them feel this so keenly that they be- come obstinate and absolutely refuse to listen to anyone with a new thought or a new fact. Blessed is the man who docs not pro fess too much, for he will have les retract. TWO PORTRAITS OF A PRIEND comicbooks:com'