Life — January 5, 1911 — page 46: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

E regret to say that our Christmas cele- bration was marred by an unpleasant inci- dent impossible to fore- see, and which might have resulted in disaster if our expe- rience and our organization were not fully equal to every emergency. It all came through too extensive ad- vertising. The fact that we were giving a free Christmas dinner to all suffering husbands; that nobody would have to carve; that no relatives were allowed on the premises; that no presents from wives were received; and that the whole affair was in charge of the tall, handsome blonde in our office, naturally attracted the attention of all our customers and a great many besides. Husbands came from everywhere, and all would have been well if the celebra- tion hadn't been so widely talked about as to come to the notice of the women. We have hitherto refrained from men- tioning, and we only do it now in the most indifferent manner, that there is an organization of wives, formed for the purpose of doing this Bureau as much injury as possible. The paltry combine is scarcely worth referring to, proceeding as it does from the lowest motives. But, however, these ladies—not to use a stronger term—dis- covered where their husbands were going to be and on Christmas morning they marched in a solid body on the two manor houses on the Hudson we had secured for our celebration. Our guests were just over their break- fast and were discussing a choice brand of cigars provided by this Bureau, and looking forward to the dinner to come, when there was a sound of music and every face blanched as the full import of the noise became apparent. A solid phalanx of wives, headed, we may say, by one of the most prominent suffragettes in the country—whose hus- band is living permanently at our Bu- reau—came along the highway in front of the manors. The chairman of our entertainment committee retained his presence of mind and spoke quietly but firmly to all the husbands present, many of whom recog- nized their wives in the distance and shook with fear. We ourselves, hastily pulling on our frock coat, hastened to meet the enemy. Practically every husband in the place was for instant retreat. It was only by “IRE E Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau the sternest measures that we compelled them to stick to their posts. As for ourselves, we stepped with the utmost dignity onto the front porch, and received the head delegation. “ Renegades!” was the first word that we heard from the ringleader. Then followed fast, “ Where is my husband?” “You must give him up!” “There stands the man who has taken him away! Let us at him!" and many simi- lar expressions of anger. If we do say it, we have had expe- rience, and the manner in which we handled that small army was one of our best advertisements. It only illustrates the great power and the wide scope of this Bureau. We not only received those ladies with open arms, but we gave them the best dinner they had had in months, and sent them away rejoicing—without their hus- bands; so that our own Christmas din- ner, that came later, was not interfered with. How did we do it? Very simply. One of the branches of this Bureau is a servants’ department. In our treatment of husbands we have been obliged to make a scientific study of the servant question; we discovered that in a large number of cases the trouble between hus- band and wife lay with the servants. Poor servants will ruin any man’s di- gestion and make his wife a termagant. In many desperate cases we have af- fected a complete cure between a man and his wife by seeing to it that they had a good cook, doing this through one of our secret methods. Thus the trouble would disappear and the husband would attribute the cure to some mysterious agency set going by us. When these ladies approached, there- fore, we let them storm at us for awhile, never losing our temper, our long per- sonal married experience rendering us practically immune to any female out- burst. Then we asked them in, led the subject around to servants—it didn’t re- quire a great deal of leading—and told them we could supply cach and every one of them with a first-class cook inside of two weeks, invited them to try our own cooking, and they all became so much interested and excited that they de- parted to a woman, without as much as asking about their respective husbands. This only illustrates how a long expe- rience, a perfectly organized force and a native talent will pull any man through a desperate and apparently hopeless situ- ation, At the Christmas dinner our health was proposed by every husband present and we secured enough regular customers to make it imperative that we double the size of our present quarters. This ought to make it perfectly plain to every one that we are in reality the friend of every wife. Oftentimes it is necessary to take vigorous steps to bring them to their senses, but it is always done more in kindness than in anger. In the meantime, all husbands consid- ering treatment should send for our pro- pramme for the coming year. We have such a large business now that we can afford to be honest with all. Remember, therefore, that we do not guarantee any miracles. If your wife is nagging you almost out of your senses we can help you and in a number of cases cure you. But all must have patience. These are parlous times. What with woman suf- frage, Christian Science and the hobble skirt, to say nothing of the approaching bustle, the resources of this office were never more severely taxed. Our charges are moderate. write or wire, Hussa: Corresronnence Bureau. Morals T is all right to be moral, but it is not always easy to decide just whose morals to select. There is a growing conviction that the morals offered by the preachers are a bit anaemic. On the other hand, we cannot bring our- selves to an unqualified adoption of the morals of our captains of industry and others whose income and leisure are so far removed in quantity from what the rest of us can command. Besides being expensive, they are perhaps too bizarre and Renoesque. There is, therefore, a great chance just now for someone to come forward with a golden mean that is not too gold- en, a happy medium which hasn't too many unhappy consequences. Call, Unalloyed Reassurance Mr. Baer declined Tuesday to discuss the general business situation or the outlook for nex: year, but it was quite evident from his manner that he was not at all depressed and did not foresee any danger of the " sky-fall- ing.”"—Iall Street Journal. HIS is the best news yet. The trou- ble with most interviews on the busi- ness situation’ is that their authoritative- ness cannot be verified, but when a man with the excellent sky connections of Mr. Baer assures us that the sky is still stable, ‘we may accept it without reservation. comicbooks.com