Life — October 27, 1910 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* LIMPE * Intense Excitement Life’s Great Offer of One Million Dollars for the Ultimate Received With Enthusiasm HE announcement of Lire’s expedi- tion in search of the Ultimate, and the reward of one million dollars, to be paid immediately upon its receipt, which was made in last week's Lire, was re- ceived in all centres with delight. At present, however, it has not been located. Theories explode every day while search goes on. President Taft said: “Lire has shown commendable enter- prise in going after the Ultimate. The completion of the Panama Canal is noth- THEORIES EXPLODE EVERY DAY, STILL THE SEARCH GOES ON ing to it. Once Ict us get the Ultimate and all will be well.’" A letter was received from Theodore Roosevelt which read as follows: “ MozaMaigue. Lire, New York. I captured the Ultimate long ago, in Africa. T. RY We immediately interviewed former President Roosevelt, and found that he was entirely mistaken. It was only a horned zebra with a double cross on its back, Boston.—It is hoped here that the Ultimate may turn up at any minute. Advertisements asking it to call at Har- vard University have been inserted in all of the papers. This city would certainly be the likeliest place for it. Your cor- respondent understands that it has been in hiding here for years. The astro- nomical department of Harvard has also been notified. Jack Johnson was interviewed at a late hour yesterday. He said: ac] THE ASTRONOMICAL DEPARTMENT OF HAR- VAKD NOTIFIED “Lire’s reward for the Ultimate in- terests me very much, It is a charming idea. I have been reaching out for the Ultimate all my life, and thought I had it several times, but it turned out to be nothing but gate receipts. But are you sure, my dear fellow, that you really know what the Ultimate is? Lam aware, of course, that Plato defined it, and that President Taft has made some masterly observations, but I think, really, now, that you should be more explic We immediately submitted the ques- tion to the Ladies’ Home Journal and received the following reply : “An Ultimate is a bifurcated philo- logical grenadine, cut bias, and made in the union shape.”” This was all very well, as far as it MAP OF HUMAN BRAIN SHOWING ROUTES TAKEN TO DISCOVER THE ULTIMATE. CROSSES INDICATE MENTAL COLLAPSE OF PREVIOUS EXPLORERS. went, but we were not satisfied. We therefore applied to Professor Ladd, of Yale. He said: “Ultimate. Yes. Hum, Ah! Why, an Ultimate is an Ontological Transcen- dental Categorical Imperative, dialecti- cally and epistomologically centred upon a quantitative ethical idealism and or- namented with monistic rosettes com- posed of timbales of Being.”” If these definitions don’t satisfy every- body we are sure that we don’t know what will. After reading them if every one isn’t instantly aware of what an Ultimate is, we are sorry for him. As a matter of fact, every one docs know what an Ultimate is. Hasn't it been talked about by all our Presidents in every message to the plain people? An Ultimate is an Ultimate. Money talks. The moment it is received at this office the finder will be rewarded with a million dollars. The Railroads and the Public FTER all, perhaps, the long and sinuous argumentative sittings be- fore the Interstate Commerce Commis- sion, as reported by the newspapers in ample columns, may not be wholly abor- tive. Of course, we know that the argu- ments of the lawyers and the officials, if stripped of their verbosity and circum- locution and suavity and adroitness, could be reduced to a single positive sen- tence: “ We charge what the traffic will bear.’’ We know that much, if we know any- thing. And yet there is a hopeful side. Is it not progress even to get all that verbosity and circumlocution and suavity and adroitness? Formerly we were told very plainly and abruptly where to stand. Not only was the dictum of charging what the traffic would bear put forth baldly and boldly, but, to make it more impressive and. emphatic, they put a cracker on the end and said: “The public be damned.’’ To be sure, we re- gretted such profanity on the part of our leading citizens, but we did not disagree with them. Some of us worried a little and some of us hunted preachers for antidotes, but beyond that we bowed our heads as if we had received a blessing rather than a curse. But now, although the railroads still act as if no fate were too horrible for a mere public and although in the silence of their sancta sanctorum they may still pour over our figurative heads bitter v of choice epithet, yet they deem it di creet to let us find out these facts for ourselves. Franklin Gayforth. comicbooks.com