Life — April 14, 1910 — page 29: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SRR ES she Scholar's Wife To a deep scholar said his wife: “Would that I were a book, my life! On me, then, you would sometimes look. But I should wish to be the book That you would mostly wish to see. Then say, what volume should I be?” “An Almanac,” my dear; “You know we change them every year.” —John Dryden. The Simpleton and the Sharper FROM INE ARABIAN NIGHTS (The Arabian Nights, in the original version, contains some of the greatest humorous stories in the world. Indeed, many of them, in modern form, are constantly reappearing Most of them’ are too long for reproduction in these pages Here is a short one, translated by Sir Richard Burton.) A certain simpleton was once walking along, hauling his ass after him by the halter, when 'a pair of sharpers saw him and one said to his fellow “T will take that ass from yonder wight.” sked the other: “How wilt thou do ‘ollow me and I will show thee how,” answered the first. So the cony-catcher went up to the ass, and, loosening it from the halter, gave the beast to his fellow; then he haltered his own head and followed Tom Fool till he knew the other had got clean off with the ass, when he stood still. The oaf hauled at the halter, but the rascal stirred not; so he turned, and, seeing the halter on a man’s neck, said to him: “What art thou?” Quoth the sharper: “I am thine ass, and my story is a wondrous one, and ‘tis this. Know that I have a pious old mother and came into her one day, drunk; and she said to me, ‘Oh, my son, repent to the Almighty of these, thy transgressions.” But I took my staff and beat her, whereupon she cursed me, and Allah changed me into an ass and caused me to fall into thy hands, where I have re- mained until this moment. However, to-day my mother called me to mind and her heart yearned toward me; so she prayed for me and the Lord restored me to my former shape amongst the sons of Adam.” Cried the silly one: “ There is no majesty and there is no might save in Allah, the Glorious, the Great. Allah, upon thee, O my brother, acquit me of what I have done with thee in the way of riding and so forth.” Then he let the cony-catcher go and returned home, as drunken with chagrin and concern as with wine. E His wife asked him, “ What aileth thee, and where is the donkey?" And he answered: “Thou knowest not what was this ass, but I will tell thee.” So he told her the story, and she exclaimed: “ Alack and alas for the punishment we shall receive from Almighty Allah! How could we have used a man as a beast of burden all this while?” And she gave alms by way of atonement and prayed pardon of Heaven. Then the man abode at home a while, idle, till she said to him: “ How long wilt thou sit at home doing naught? Go to the market and buy us an ass and ply thy work with it.” Accordingly, he went to the market and stopped at the ass-stand, where behold, he saw his own ass for sale So he went up to it and, clapping his mouth to its ear, said to it: Woe to thee, thou ne'er do well! Thou hast been getting drunk again and beating thy mother! But, by Allah, I will never buy thee more!” 689 To Make an Amblongus Pie A Receipt by Edgar Lear (Note: Edgar Lear was a celebrated writer of nonsense humor. Born in London 1812, died at San Remo 1888.) Take 4 pounds (say, 4% pounds) of fresh Amblon- gusses and put them in a small pipkin. Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours in- cessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk and pro- ceed to boil for 4 hours more. When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously. Grate some nutmeg over the surface and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry powder and a sufficient quantity of cayenne pepper. Remove the pan into the next room and place it on the floor. Bring it back again and let it simmer for three- quarters of an hour, Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become a pale purple color. Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole care- fully, adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers and a number of oysters. Watch patiently until the crust begins to rise and add a pinch of salt from time to time. Serve up in a clean dish and throw the whole out of the window as fast as possible. My idea of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties —Douglas Jerrold A POULTICE FOR TWO—SYMPATHY AND ECON —From Impressions de Menage, by Famous French Artist Gavarni (B. 1804, d comicbooks.com